almost home

I’ve been slacking I know. This will be my last update before I leave for New York. We leave tomorrow morning at 5am, meaning we have to be up by at least 4:30. Dude that’s rugged. I’m either going to bed tonight at 9, or at 2 cause 4 or 5 hours of sleep just wrecks you. 2 hours is great nap though. I think I’ve told most of you this but I’m dreading New York. I mean, I love the city and I love Christmas but this is not a vacation. 6 o clock mornings, duties (cleaning stuff, washing dishes, and who knows what else.), having to be on a rigged schedule of ministries and obligations, having to share your testimony or a devotion, even at the point of a finger. Have you ever thought of the idea of mission’s trips? First of all, I question the validity altogether of missions. Aside from a small and unique group of individuals I agree are maybe ‘called’ to missions, I think its sort of silly. That’s just me, I’ve never had a heart for missions. I’ve felt like its an excuse for Christians to get out of the mission field they are already in, maybe because it would be easier for them to share somewhere else. On the surface we’re pretty collected in North America but there is probably as much brokenness here as anywhere else. Second, how strange is it that we pay thousands of dollars to go somewhere to work for people and function under their ideals. I know that’s bold, and I know its insensitive. As Christians we’re to have servant hearts and giving hearts so we ought to be glad to serve and go on these trips. But seriously, It is weird – us paying them to go and work.

I’m being critical I know. And I know that people can have significant impacts on areas they go to serve both spiritually and economically. Beyond what we bring to people during missions, I also know that the people we go to serve end up transforming us too. It’s kind of like a youth retreat for adults. Things are brought back into perspective and you get all fired up for a little while. Again, just thinking. Hopefully God does something in my heart to have more sympathy and understanding for those who have a heart for missions. Especially Mexico may do that. The same way I never had a burning passion for some third world country, perhaps some people cannot find that passion for our communities.

Whew, I didn’t even plan on talking about missions.

Been snowboarding a lot. I’m enjoying it more now than I was a the beginning of the year. 3 or 4 times a week we either set up rails and booters in our backyard, or we’re at the mountain.

I can’t remember if I told you in my last update either that we built a bunch of snow forts. The one we built could have fit 7 or 8 students in it. Somethin fierce.

Still running quite a bit. I’m hovering around -10 pounds since when I got here. Not bad since I’ve been workin out so much and adding muscle too. I’m excited to be at home and be able to run on asphalt instead of snow. Even though its often about 20 degrees here its super tolerable because there is no humidity. So I’m wondering what cold is gunna feel like back home. That, and how much thicker the air is gunna be.

I’m in a class right now where a discussion between free will and predestination is going down. Not only am I kind of turned of that people dwell on this type of thing but I’m even more annoyed that people argue predestination. Last time I checked the story of creation, God was very intentional in giving us a choice. If God absolutely knew all things since the beginning then He saw beforehand that we would be where we are morally – both as Christians and non-Christians. That means that he was willing to have a dominant majority bound to a life of suffering and hell to serve the ransom for the very few who would eventually be united with him. And isn’t that selfish?! So lets say that God knew 80% of people would never walk in His steps, but that’s fine as long as some people were worshipping him? That would also mean that since God knows absolutely all things to come, that means our outcomes our bound by that rail called predestination. Of course we don’t know what that outcome is, but how messed up is that there would be people who God knows are going to hell regardless of the efforts of Christians or the efforts of the individual to figure it out. It’s a slippery argument. Not worth dwelling on either in my opinion.

The one thing I cannot shake is that God used to offset my selfishness. I don’t want God. I can’t overcome some things just yet but I do know I am embarrassingly more selfish than I used to be. I used to have reasons o fight it. Maybe I used to have ‘help’ to fight it through Christ. Now I’ve just embraced it and its pretty gross. But I think I’m moving away from it. Something happened this past weekend that I’m not going to describe in detail, but a number of students including me broke some rules here and honestly, I hated it afterward. And this was something I’ve done before and enjoyed, but my conscience had had enough or something this time. I think since I’ve been talking to my mom a lot more recently, and with Jen, I feel more accountable to whom I am. So it was bittersweet I suppose. There will be consequences for it I’m sure. I think we’re talking to Dan later today because they already know. I’m glad I was so disappointed in myself and I’m glad it was unappealing. I don’t feel like this is a pivotal turning point but I think it is a push in that direction. It certainly made me think; made me consider what is actually important to me. I’ve got another semester to figure some of that out.

I’m still frustrated and bitter with God and with people. I’m still scared to death of change – more specifically returning back to the old me. I’m still confused, even though I have some seemingly strong opinions. And I’m still shallow because that is the foundation that allows me to function the way I do. The thing I miss most is Love. God granted me the capacity to Love, and my passion for life and people facilitated that love.

We’ll see. Stay tuned. And see you soon.

J.R. Whitfield

the concert, and then some...

I’m often reluctant to blog. I love writing when I get started, but thinking about Coldplay and trying to break it down for you guys intimidates me. I haven’t really sifted through those thoughts yet so I guess that’s what this is for. I am confident with the way I structure my expression of thought, but after reading through this I feel so redundant in my vocabulary, grammar, and sentence structure; it feels juvenile. Fortunately for me, none of that really counts for anything here. So I’m sorry if I’m a touch off my game today.

I know the last few blogs have been real intense so my hope is that this one is lighter. I needed to get those out of my system and I can’t promise that will be the last of them. I’ve been under the impression that family and a few friends check this thing but ever since the arguable controversy of my last few posts I’ve been informed of many other people that read my thoughts. It’s surprising but also intimidating. I’m not ashamed of me. I love talking to people and being real with them, but wow, I have to admit I’m a touch more gun-shy now. I do appreciate all of your support and responses. The single most encouraging thing since this new journey I’ve set out on (putting all I’ve known to the fire to see what survives it) is the patience and tolerance of the people in my life. You all deserve to be applauded for outlasting and debunking stereotypical Christian responses that the world might place on you. People have been supportive, they’ve listened and understood, they still VALUE me as an individual even though our priorities may not line up, and I still feel loved. That is huge. There may not be an awful lot any of you can do about me and where I am (and that’s ok) but one thing you can do is all of these things I mentioned. It doesn’t go unnoticed. I’m sorry for all the confusion and disappointment that some of you may or may not be experiencing. Hang in there…this is a process.


The concert…
We spent all day Friday at our outreaches. Mine is dry bones in Denver so when I was finished I met up with a couple other students who were going to the concert. We shopped a bit and then got sushi since we had time before it started. We finally meet up at the Pepsi Centre at our seats and the first band started playing shortly after. They were terrible. I mean, I guess from another vantage if it were a different night at a different venue they may have been okay, but in anticipation for the immensity of Coldplay they were minimized in my mind. The songs were generic and the mix was disappointing. I don’t even know what the band was called.

The second band was altogether different. It wasn’t a band; it was one man with a projector. To summarize the experience I would call it artistic, creative, and kind of that modern expression of individual originality that we’re more tolerant than ever of these days. I think his name was Jon Hopkins. Basically he was a DJ mixing beats while video was going on behind him through the projector. The media stuff reminded me a LOT of Dr. Seuss, like trippy repetitive cartoon stuff. I don’t think the people I was with liked it that much and I’m kind of surprised that I was so intrigued by it but it was definitely an interesting experience. Kind of like Cirque De Soliel (I’m stretching, I know) how it is so weird but at the same time you are in awe.

The sheer scale of this concert was enough to overwhelm me. The most I’ve ever paid for concert tickets is maybe 20 bucks, so when I dropped 55 for nose bleed seats I wasn’t at all comfortable with that. The Pepsi Centre is real big. I mean it’s a typical professional arena. We happened to be there the weekend prior for Dare 2 Share if you remember.

I don’t even know where to start. I guess with what it looked like. There were about 8 large balls hanging from the ceiling and then one very large ball, which they lit up according to the lighting theme for any given song. Sometimes they did some live video stream or video effects through the balls too, which was interesting. The stage stretched along the entire main floor surface, and then protruded on either side out into the crowd. At the end of one of these extensions was another small stage that was made up of white-lit boxes on the floor where they played one or two songs. I can’t remember the backdrop entirely because it changed in progressively breath-taking manors throughout the concert. I will say that it was always appealing and it stretched from the ground to the ceiling. Another thing was the lighting. I’ve seen some good headliners who used well-coordinated lighting before but nothing at all like this. The timing and power of the light system was incredible. As for how they dressed, the guys all looked awesome. They all felt like they belonged there. There is nothing more frustrating than seeing a band you really value and then notice that there is one (if not more) of their members who just demand a critical and judgmental eyeball. They throw off the entire band. Everyone in Coldplay just fit – all 4 of em. They had a bit of a typical band look to them but its not like they were trying to look young or generic, they just looked good. At the same time also, they had that clear European look to them, which I appreciated. They didn’t rock out so hard that it was awkward, like they were trying too hard, but they definitely moved; a really healthy look while playing music because you believe they are into what they are doing. I think that’s a pretty thorough picture of the main visual details.

This was a highly professional display of musical ability. They deserve to play in arenas and go on worldwide tours. I guess to describe it, I would say they were secure and mature enough musicians to lay low during songs but had the potential to steal every ounce of your attention if and when they each chose too. That is when you know you’re seeing a good band. They don’t feel like they need to relentlessly impress you with stuff that doesn’t necessarily sound good, but perhaps is just hard to play. They would bust it out in tiny windows though throughout the performance just to remind you they could. The singing was astounding. I’m a little bit paranoid when it comes to performances of this scale and trying to decipher what is legitimate and what has been tampered with or doctored. Hearing the ways that he would creatively sing the melodies or just talk there was no question that it was pure. And he was good. Not just him though, every member sang and they were all good. So we’re talking thick harmonies all over the place. Another major problem with many bands is they overemphasize things on their records, but then if you’re lucky there is only one guy in the band doing harmonies. Probably weak harmonies. The sound above all of this was ideal. I was nervous beforehand, but it turned out so well. The only problem I had was that there wasn’t enough bass in the mix but that could have had something to do with where my seat was.

As for song selection it couldn’t have been better. I’m a reasonably fickle Coldplay fan, so up until this last album I basically heard singles and maybe a few full listens above that. I love this latest album through and through, so I was pretty confident in this show since it is a tour for that record. They probably played 2 songs that weren’t singles (which I still recognized), then 5 or 6 singles from other albums and then the rest from Viva. Mmmmaaybbbeee 15 total?

The entire night was a highlight but if I had to talk about a few specific ones I might choose these:
During the middle of the concert he just said something and then, “see you guys in a bit” and I’m like, what? So they all run across the arena floor to the back and then up to the top of the first section where there happened to be a stage. They bust out three acoustic-ish guitars (they weren’t typical guitars) and play scientist. Oh, and the lead singer played a harmonica. It was a pretty good push to the ever-growing climax. My favorite part of the night was Fix You. He led the song by himself and cracked a superb joke about the band taking a break to go drink and email their girlfriends, but then, come to “lights will guide…” the harmonies kicked in. It was so beautiful. And then of course you remember the build at the end (“tears stream down your face when you lose something you can not replace”). I think I almost lost it I was so worked up and emotional. Hah, actually I wasn’t going to say this but I decided too because its funny. That song felt exactly like the moment in church when you feel the music moving toward its’ climax and “the spirit is moving”. I almost wanted to lift my hands it was so stirring. Haha, Such a spiritual-like experience in such a spiritual-less context. I know at least one of you who would want to argue me saying that place had no spiritual credit. I guess I could argue that too. Either way, I’ll never forget that. I might have taken a video of it on my camera. Lastly, after a strong and unwavering 10-minute eruption at the end of the show, they came back out for the encore made up of Yellow. The lights were all in strong yellow theme, and they had explosions of confetti from the ceiling a few times during the song too. It was like a celebration – the perfect send-off.

We went and lingered around town a little while longer after the concert until finally heading home. I hope that breakdown was sufficient but not exhausting.





And then some…
The weather has been strange as of late. We had a real warm week and haven’t really seen significant or lasting snow for a while now. The week prior to that it snowed almost everyday. So the mountain is in rough shape. They’ve got a legit base but it’s rather icy. Even given the ice, people here still ride almost every day. Yesterday for outdoor education we went snowboarding all day. Pretty rough huh? Didn’t even have a choice. Had to go to the mountain all day! Actually, even though it was busy and icy we all had a great day. We’ve had about 8 minor injuries in this past week alone. 2 or 3 sprains, one fracture, one broken nose, a couple tree accidents, and then countless bruises. I’m terribly sore but I think I’m going for a few hours again this afternoon. But I’m not going alone, I’m bringing my best friend Tylenol. I’ve noticed some real improvements in my game. There aren’t many hits in the park and everything is too icy to get serious. There are only 3 runs open thus far, so basically we’re just working the flat-ground game. Yesterday I got switch 180 butter 180, noseslide 270, nollie 360, and a few other neat little things. If my regular riding is 100% then I probably ride switch at about 80%, so I’m getting quite comfortable. It’s a lot of fun and it drastically affects overall board control when you fool around and get stuff like that. It’ll be interesting when we get some true snow and the mountain opens up to its potential. Hope I get a taste before Christmas. And I hope some you folk come ride next semester.

The ice rink here has been active and used for roughly a week now too. There are about 3 serious hockey players here, and there is a handful of aspiring hockey players who are out there all the time. I haven’t even gotten out once yet. Every time I think about going I get lazy or reluctant, but one of these nights I will. Next semester we’ll skate an awful lot I’m sure. I need to get my skate legs back. It’d be so straight to get good and come play pick up back home next year.

I realized the other day on the phone that after losing the two most meaningful things in my life (faith and love), I discovered an identity for myself and that’s why I felt the way I did. Not that it was the right identity but it was my own. I was faced with one of these things the other night and even though I wanted it I realized I couldn’t because it contradicted who I now was. Of course that isn’t completely sound reasoning, I could be me and still engage those things, but they flood too many memories of someone different that I didn’t entirely like. My hesitance is now clear to me because I make the connection from being a Christian or being in a relationship to many of the things I used to hate about myself. That is at the forefront of my infrequent thoughts – how to think seriously about those things without disowning the positive things I’ve discovered. Both are valuable and both are appealing to me not now but perhaps somewhere in my future.

I think about Christmas and those three weeks almost everyday. A warm festive home, family, catching up with friends, football games, poker tournaments, birthdays, new years, and on and on. Its gunna be a memorable few weeks. I’ll try to give you all as much attention as I can.

Take care and live like you mean it.

Brought to you by Jimmy.

i'm sorry..

I’ve shown a tremendous amount of cynicism in my last few posts and I’d like to address that. I’ve felt bad about it actually because I’ve been very insensitive and perhaps overly agressive. Someone cautiously confronted me about it today and suggested that I sound rather angry and at a loss for tact. I understand. Even though I do what I can to negate blanket statements I still am referring to Christians, and assuming that the dozen or so people reading this blog are all Christians I know why it may be more offensive because it’s something you value a great deal. When I say something like “Christians have no backbone” I am not implying that all of you have no backbone. I love every one of you and do not want to deliberately attack any of you. These are just thoughts I wrestle with through this vehicle called “blogspot”. I am sorry if I’ve offended you. I’m going to comment on a couple other things, and then I’m going to give you the opportunity to speak into this.

You have options regarding how you respond to what I write. You can choose to be thankful that I am allowing you to know me better through this no matter how ugly or controversial my posts may be. By themselves, my words are not weapons and I don’t think they are harmful to you. You will decode what I say to draw conclusions about me and then you will do one of two other things while reading my nonsense. You will get defensive and perhaps even pissed off at me for being as frank as I am, or you will choose to challenge yourself and your beliefs to see if they line up or contradict with what I say. This is what I propose to you. Firstly, do not take me severely literal. Try to almost detach from your first response to my thoughts, give yourself a second to think about it of course, and then look at it for what it is and not who I am. Use it as a tool if you must. To respond the first way I mentioned, I think, might even reveal a degree of spiritual immaturity. If you are secure within your spirit then wrestle with what I say and disprove it in your own heart (or even in an email if you feel like responding to me). Think of times that nullify my claims because of what you’ve experienced, or study the necessary material to discredit my words. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for us to disagree. I just feel like what you do with this raw information is really in your hands, and I’m sorry if I make it a challenge.

So, if you still feel like I’m approaching this poorly in a rather public manner through this blog, then email me. Seriously, I will hear you out. I may respond but I do care about what you guys think.

I’m not as negative as my blogs might imply. I’m actually rather positive but when it comes to these various topics I tend to throw heaters. Aside from these things, my other options to discuss seem rather menial. When I am with you soon at Christmas I will not appear the way I do on here, because I won’t be talking about this stuff that often. But I think it’s valuable for me and perhaps for you that I confront these things on here. I was trying to think of something positive to report on to possibly outweigh the rest of this but I can’t even think of specific things. Everything else is great. People are great, snowboarding is great, music is great, getting in shape is great…life is good. No doubt.

This isn’t the most ideal environment for such immense topics to come to life. I’d much rather do it over coffee or beer with someone sincere so that different lights might be shed respectively, and even more, so that there could be a valid response to these types of things I say. I hope I never imply that what I say is truth because I’m not at all sure that it is! But it very much holds weight in my heart and mind just like many things do with you. I like writing on here, but the one problem is that it’s just an opinion. I’m not a big fan of opinions, and maybe that’s why I hate class so much. Preaching and teaching is often an opinion and aside from unique circumstances you can’t have legitimate discussion about it. Hopefully we’ll drink lots of coffee together when I come home 

that’s all tonite.

had a pretty interesting weekend. spent friday and saturday in denver as i mentioned at a dare to share conference in the Pepsi center. friday night we stayed at some mansion that literally was accomidating about 50 of us. so, the event itself was neat in some ways but unfortunate in many others. remember when we were that age? like, pitch and praise, kingdom bound, even winter retreat...you sort of become some one else in those situations. more than becoming someone else i guess you just ARE someone else entirely than who we'd say we are now. everyone is so unspeakably needy and LOUD. loud with their cloths, loud with their abnormal behaviours (namely for attention or respect from peers), and just straight up loud volumes.

these things are unfortunate because its so so abnormal. the event is abnormal and the the bubble that kids are thrown into isn't real life - just like missions or bible school or whatever the case. the object is to basically captivate addolecent senses through media, music, words, and maybe a few tricks. get them all wound up and then unLEASH them into the world right? meh. i bet their talkin smack about their friends by the end of the following week, if not monday. i loved those events when i was in youth, and i understand some of the arguments trust me, but man is it ever wierd seeing it at this age and this stage. its absolutely queer in almost every respect when wholly evaluated. i escaped downtown during the event once or twice though to get a breath of fresh air both literally and figuratively.

one other thing about the conference is Zane. i've talked about him a bit. i really need to get a picture up. he dresses so so well and so so originally i guess, first off. second, he is probably good enough to be a legit am snowboarder and third, he's a super effective teacher. so we all love him here of course but this weekend shed such a different light. this dude is seriously a christian celebrity. he's one of the main faces for dare to share and the kids just soak him up like a sponge on steroids. he had a few shirts at the merch table that were specifically designed with/for him, he has a book called "shred the gnar" he just published, and he's kind of starting this other ministry called "christ plus nothing". we were walkin around and as he was standing giving autographs to this massive line of kids he's all shoutin us out and stuff right? well we jokingly start offering his phone number for 5$ to kids. this one girl? she offered us 36$. wierd huh? yea, so wierd.

leeland was good. there was also a band called fee who was okay. the mix was a bit disappointing. so i hope the sound for coldplay this friday is a lot better. oh wait, did i forget to tell you? i'm seeing coldplay on friday! it was bloody spensive but this is once in a lifetime type stuff. and i think its one of those bands you kind of need to see, especially after that last monster of an album. I'm gunna make sure to soak it in as best i can and then reflect a thorough response back at you.

winter park opens on wednesday. i think i said it was this past weekend maybe but its wednesday. unfortunately tonite we went up to the top of the pass to ride a bit and i messed up my knee again. i think its sprained or something cause i have no strength. its not too too uncommon for my knee to just buckle during the day and me fall over. might need to get a brace or something when i come home. i hope i get to ride before christmas though cause i bet its a bad idea.

has anyone ever thought a lot about corporate prayer? cause i have been more recently. add it to the list i suppose, but it annoys the lasting goodness out of me. the reason we give group prayer so much credibility is probably based on "where two or more are gathered, there I am also". lets pause and look at that first. what?! soooo, God shows up where there is at least two people right? well, either he's God and he is everywhere with everyone at all times or our faith is restricted to God encounters only where there is more than one person? its silly for me to even expand. we all know you've experienced and been with God on your own before so what the heck is the point of this verse? so we can throw it out in church and big rallies for emphesis that God is around MORE right now than when you're praying at home? its stupid. before i go on here is my token disclaimer: these statements are in no way ever perfectly inclusive of all people in all situations, but from what i know and observe, they are a relatively strong representation of the christian population. what exactly do you DO during group prayer? like, do we all kind of play a role and its a team thing? ooorrr are we just there to get inspired by others audible thoughts? oorrr i dunno i guess. There are prayer warriors like my mom and maybe some of yours. i'm sure you know at least one good example. i suppose some of their responses would be affirmation of the prayer at least mentally if not verbally. but even that...is it one of those things we do to show we're more intentional and bold in our faith? or does it actually AMPLIFY our prayers to God?! to be honest, most people just look around. they're probably thinking about very menial things. maybe sometimes important things like song orders or prayer requests they need to remember, but most people don't actually pay true attention. wowee does that area of discussion fire me up.

another thing is that christians have no backbone. this isn't an uncommon observation, even within the christian community but sledom does the trend change at all. some people worship with all their hearts, and some people truly respect the communion table but i bet most don't. have you ever really looked at the blank eyes of people as they worship? chances are they either aren't thinking of the words, or they are thinking very conciously about how they sound or how they look as they worship. their mouths move and you can tell its for the sake of avoidence - avoidence of conflict or being called out on or being thought less of. just don't sing if it means nothing! most people probably mean it more when they're singin in their cars to random songs than during formal worship. you see it plague worship TEAMS let alone worship congregations. and the communion table...God help christians. i often imagine how many people take communion that are pissed off at their parents, or are stealing from work, or are cheating in a relationship, or are maybe just as mediocre as they come and have not prepared their hearts for this foundational 'act'. severe or simple i don't think it matters. my word. Its not mine to judge, but i wonder how many people you would see pass the plate if you took a good look around. probably not nearly enough. cause its easier to just take it. its easier to play the role. thats a good reflection of a much bigger picture - the entirity of what they believe and are moved by. and for goodness sake, what is the point of prayer before meals? i mean, i understand the point but stop being thankful for your food and only your food. it is no more a blessing than the legs that are still attached to your torso. do you religeously wake up every single morning and thank God for your health? do you feel guilty if you MISS a morning? maybe you do. do you thank him for your car, or do you gripe about the A/C not working and how the system in it sucks? the point being, its such a thing 'we do' that i don't know if i could ever agree with it again.

sorry about that.

this took a along time so I'm gunna go. but i'll check in early next week at the latest.

this is jimmy

i'm really bad at this blog thing.

i would be disappointed if i were you guys. how long has it been, a couple weeks? whenever i get on a computer i find a thousand other things i'd like to get too and when i think of writing i get overwhelmed by all that has happened that i haven't written about yet. I'll do my best to remember some highlights.

actually, i just decided that i'm not gunna update you on specific things that are happening day to day. there is plenty of stuff but you'll be fine not knowing. the one thing i will tell you is that copper mountain had opening day this past saturday and we went. there was only 2 lifts open but it was still great. it had one small terrain park too. i kind of already knew this, but i realized even more that i don't even love snowboarding that much. i mean, i enjoy it but basically only in this context: 3-4 hours on the mountain tops, only about an hour or two at most on actual runs and the rest in the park. i get really bored riding runs. sure some are steeper than others and might have a few noteable differences, but basically you get 70 runs that are all the same deal. i dunno. my knee and my wrist were both acting up on me. i had a wrist brace luckily. this weekend winter park opens. its 5 minutes away from us.

also this weekend is Dare 2 Share. Zane (a leader here) is one of the main guys in D2S so all of us are helpin out with either merch or security or a number of other things. its a two day ordeal in denver at the pepsi center, so its pretty legit. Leeland is gunna be there.

my goodness...the detroit lions are terrible. i know i chirp about em all the time. most of the people that read this blog i have probably talked to personally about our situation with the team. i have that simple and rather unwaivering faith since i've only been around 2 years with the team, but i still am emotionally spent every sunday around 2 o clock here when the game finishes.

i'm fasting today. i don't even know how too do something like this anymore. i don't even pray unless I'm called upon too. so it should be interesting. i just decided that my decision to stay or go must be made in literally the next couple days and i've talked to everyone i can think of about what i should do...except God. so i'm giving him a window. if he wants to speak into this or put something on my heart this is his chance.

i'm really looking forward to christmas. i'll get to see most of you hopefully, i'll get to celebrate my b-day, and hopefully stay quite busy while i'm home. i was talkin to heather the other day about bein home and excited and stuff and she pointed out how different this year is gunna look. heather has lost over 20 pounds, so she's gunna look pre different to me at least. i've lost some weight, put on some muscle, shaved my head, pierced my ears, and will also look pretty different. and then there is genelle who will have an 8 month old baby in her. hehe. i'm excited about that. real excited. mom and dad, you should start thinking about something drastic you can do too to follow suite.

i've just got one new thought for today. it might make some of you uncomfortable, i dunno. and again, i need you guys to understand that this is just me thinking. i may feel what i think to varrying degrees at different times but i'm just thinking is all. i know i've had this thought with a few of you before but it still lingers with me. and it is this. what if we give Jesus too much credit sometimes? calm down, calllmmm ddooowwn. i'm no scholar, but i've been in the word enough to have an idea of who he is and i know there is abundant evidence that he was extraordinary. he did miracles, he was perfectly pure and selfless, he lived a blameless life...i know. i'm not really argueing that. that is what it is if we believe the bible is true. i guess i wonder more about the death of him and the basis for people literally and figuratively giving their lives to him. there are people throughout the world that die CONSTANTLY, and many of them die for lesser causes than the salvation of the entire human race. they might die for family, for their country, for simply their thoughts, for themselves, and i'm sure there are plenty more reasons while people die for causes each day. real people with real pain and real fears. there is also evidence both in the bible and more recently in the middle east of people being crucified. its not like some immense historical event because only a few people ever died that death. i bet piles of people did. and this is where i wonder about "the cost": don't you think that if you KNEW God like Jesus did (and technically you WERE God), and you knew heaven because you've lived there all your life, and the only way to save billions and billions of lives was to die on earth after a short life, and you KNEW without a shadow of a doubt that you were just gunna live again after that in heaven and be praised and never have to worry again about paying that price...don't you think that if you knew all that stuff like jesus did that it would be a bit of a no brainer? that you'd be able to go through with it? at least for me, i know that my motives and choices are driven by cost versus payoff. so in this case, the cost seems pretty tolerable standing next to the outcome. i know i sound crazy and you're all half squinting at the screen with your mouth half open wondering what the heck i'm talking about, but honestly i just don't feel like its as MASSIVELY unspeakable of a cornerstone than we perpetually give it credit for. maybe it is, i just have to find out how to make that click for me. i suppose the bottom line is that he didn't in any way deserve that death and we in no way deserved that death....fine. another thing that just came to me and that perplexes me is how much christians stumble and struggle with the idea of following christ but just ignore it. many people respond too it and fall away, its just funny watching christians from my perspective have these unanswerable questions or daunting barriers where they have little to no reason to hang on, but its like they just ignore it. well, they don't ignore it maybe but they call it faith. its so illogical. i guess its perserverence. all of this stuff is so subjective, i know. man do i ever know and i'm thankful. you do not need to be where i am and its ok that i'm not where you are.

something terribly humbling came upon me today. when i talk to people i paint this picture of a rather legalistic faith i used to have. among many other things, i pretty well could have stopped at "i used to be at church as many as 3 or 4 times a week, easy". i understand why they create that picture in their minds, because i provide it, yet, in the same breath i deny that it was legalistic. i assure or correct them that it was real and authentic and sincere. i've always sort of felt that i lay between the two ends and had a balanced understanding. i want to clarify before i continue that i knew God. i did. i experienced him, i worked for him, i desired to know him, and my intent was often pure i believe. but today i realized something. paul used to be all of those things. paul memorized the old testament, he never missed a day of church, he prayed all the time, he tithed the required amount, he fed the poor, he knew all the stories - he was doing what he knew how to be righteous and yet, he was a pharisee. he persecuted God's true church and was the very person that christ came to speak against. he had every check marked on the religeous list yet he had nothing. something drastic happened of course where he met and embraced christ which brought about change. excuse my language but this is actually Paul's words. when it was being translated the translators were even somewhat ashamed or uncomfortable by paul's words, but it shows how serious and passionate he was. he basically said about the things he knew and had done for God's sake up til that point didn't amount to shit; it was rubbish. i thought i was in the right all my life - struggling but succeeding in Christ. but what made me any different than Paul? i was the ideal pedigree. if you saw my spiritual resume you'd probably have raised your brow just slightly, but what true depth was there in my simple trust and faith in God day to day. i know that this place i speak of (where Paul eventually was during most of his ministry) is spoken of often in the christian community and we would all agree that its a righteous and dependant place to be with God, but how do you get there? how do you take away the age old checklist and just....be. there is nothing to hold on to firmly or strive toward or to achieve it seems, its just a simple dependance on christ's love and his ability to live out that love in our common lives. it feels like one of those christian things we say or think without really knowing a lot of the time, but its always the right answer. we had that talk about a book/topic based upon "christ in me". its so cliche but how many of us have a clear grasp on what that even looks like. its arguable and it makes for a good discussion rather than opinion on my part. to sum it up, i was humbled by realting to paul and agreeing that perhaps my spiritual health was always just slightly skewed. if/when i am restored i see it looking differently. i want to know more than any other thing that i have and experience everyday freedom in christ. not depression, or stress, or jeleousy, or judgment, or addiction...i want to know a simple freedom.

i'm slowly becoming a sports junkie. its cool. when i come home i definitly picture myself coppin an LCD with satelite so i can tap into lots of sports. oh, and a cell phone i can actually use! count on it.

i'm hungry. its gunna be a long day.

look forward to seeing and talking to you all.

Jimmy.

I wasn’t going to respond even though I agreed to last night (addressed to mom and dad) because I feel like I’ve explained everything so many times, but I’m in class right now typing and have nothing better to do, so here goes. And rather than email, I may as well inform all cause I have nothing to hide. I’m going to attempt to explain further where I am. I think I expanded in my last blog as to HOW I sort of got here but hopefully this is even more informative. For those of you who have sat down and listened this may be redundant, just to warn you.

So I experienced that slow and steady breakdown of failures and questions during the latter part of my walk. I was depressed and constantly tired because of the way I was consumed with my problems. Once I finally concluded that my approach to life was leaving me short of satisfaction I decided to take a step of faith…away from God. Now, because of the way I isolated myself from my peers in high and college I was “protected” from a great deal of things. Splendid right? What if I said not at all? I think that that caused damage in a lot of ways because rather than dealing with those things then, when I still had close and grounded friends, I’m dealing with them now when I’m more my own then ever, and free to make my own conclusions with less input from others compared to when we were younger. It also wreaked havoc on the way I saw people outside of church. In order to protect myself from “those terrible people and those terrible things” (that I actually wanted) I made them out to be completely foolish and dangerous.

I will try to breakdown some of the changes that have taken place since that turning point. Firstly I am happy. It would be utterly naïve as Christians to think you can’t live life without Christ – billions of people do it. Many of those people are messed the heck up but don’t pretend that many of those people aren’t doing well too. Not to mention the turmoil within the Christian community. I feel like faith is so subjective on both who you are and WHERE you are. There are countless other religions who all have real convictions and real feelings toward their God’s. Otherwise they wouldn’t go to such extreme lengths. People all over the world look at Christians and sincerely say to themselves “it’s a shame those people are so lost and confused” and then probably pray we get saved from our lies. We’re no different I think we were just presented a different “out” than them. If you spend enough time and thought and energy doing ANYthing it’s not that hard to buy in. So no wonder God requires us to be constantly in him and not of everything else. No wonder you go on a mission’s trip or to bible school or wherever excessive amounts of God are and you “feel God”. Then you come home to normality and lose him because you aren’t worshiping 3 times a day and praying for hours. It’s not that much of a stretch. Why are we right? Why are there people who have NEVER known God that are better by nearly every standard then handfuls of people who wear Christ’s name. God works in brokenness right? I tend to agree, except that instead of working when I was messed it fell apart in my weakness. Right now though, I’m self sufficient and satisfied with who I am. I think I treat people better in most cases even though I lack the compassion and patience I once did because, I’m not so focused on fixing and figuring me out. It gives me time and energy to look outward more at people and I’m free to engage them.

Another thing I should make clear is I still have standards; I still have morals. They are in many ways shaped by my family (which I am thankful for) but they are also very independent of my family and of God. I can’t tell you how liberating that is for me. I still want to be good in many senses, I still want to be successful and work hard, I still want to have intention towards things but my cause and reason for doing those things is for me. Yes me. Yes I’m selfish, so are you. Perhaps I’ve just embraced and accepted it more.

I really don’t think I’m in as rough shape as some people think. In fact, I think I’m in BETTER shape than most professed Christians. If God hates luke-warm Christians like he says in his word – that they be either hot or cold. Basically pick a side! – Then I am better off and here’s why. They have a manifested crutch that they some how think is fire insurance to get into heaven but they don’t know God, they don’t pay prices or get uncomfortable for God, and I don’t believe they are included on that NARROW narrow path. It is far more a justice to God to just be honest and say it like it is rather than pay your minimal dues so no one approaches you about. It’s better because then at least you recognize and are honest about who you are so you can address making change easier if that’s what you needed. Second, people like that are staining the name of God every single day and pissing people off for God’s kingdom ten times over than drawing people into His body. Screw that. I firmly believe I am where I am for a reason and a purpose. One way or another I will have closure. Either God will come after me, my choices will finally expose an empty and worthless life, or I will remain well and simply DIFFERENT. God will dictate what will happen.

Its interesting, I was talking to Zane (a leader here) for a few hours yesterday about all this and he pointed out that in fact I was doing all the things I’m doing now when I was a Christian but I’m no longer fighting them now in my freedom. I mean, I am in some respects fighting them but certainly far less. He didn’t have clear answers he wasn’t disappointed or discouraged. He has quite a story and he believes in people and their individual stories, which shape them. I think this is a stage. This is a season. Does it scare me? Yea sure it does sometimes. What if I find what I’m looking for and never have a fallout back to Christ? What if my desires and interests get out of control and actually cause some real damage; real consequences? But I’m trusting God, I guess, that he’ll make sense of this and deal with it accordingly. If that’s what it takes so be it. I’ll tell you right now though the timing isn’t right – no more right than if you were to approach a random person in Los Vegas and say “hey do you know Jesus cause I think you should RIGHT now, cool?” Good luck. They may get to a point where they are fertile and ready. God will provide someone for that in the right timing. I will either come back stronger and different and more convicted than before, or I will lose it entirely. And I’m okay with that. God is big enough for my doubts. God is big enough to get involved when the time is right. If not, then why bother?

I’m excited. I’m excited about lots of things, and I’m happy. You may be inclined to think less of me but I might encourage you not too.

If you have specific questions you can email them to me. Otherwise, consider ourselves informed.

Love you all.

I am Jimmy.

what if we close our eyes? what if we can't wake up?

this is going to be a rather long one, sorry.

as i mentioned, i was in denver all weekend. my saturday started with stefan waking me up at 9:30 with hot eggo's. at first i was frustrated that anyone was waking me up but then i realized how amazing that deal was so i ate one and went back to sleep. slept til 12.

we left for denver just after lunch, got there at about 3, and went to the Denver zoo. it was pretty good but i think the detroit zoo was better. or perhaps it was just my experience (and particularilly the company) that made it seem better. it was "boo at the zoo" actually that day which basically means there is a bazillion kids in getups coppin some free candy right? so i think i might have had more fun at times just looking at costumes than i did at the animals themselves.

we leave the zoo, tap some quick chow, then head to the soccer game. now, i wasn't even interested in going at first but turns out it was a lot of fun. It was the last game of the season for the Colorado Rapids and the playoffs were on the line. they tied and therefore didn't make playoffs. after the game we went and got milkshakes.

one of the students, Jenny, is from denver so the 5 of us camped at her place saturday night. we watched finding nemo and although i've seen that movie 50 times easy, its probably been close to a year since I've seen it last. and i've only ever seen it with one person so it was a pre big deal. after the movie we were sort of going to bed but decided to go longboarding instead. after longboarding we found this park. i know what you're thinking, "wow jimmy! really? a park? like swings and everything?!?!" shut up. this was no elementary park my friends. i wish i had taken more pictures (i took a few) cause it had some original and DANGerous toys throughout. we got home from that at 4 am. i slept until about 12:45 that morning, just in time to run to a sports bar and catch the second half of the lions game. my fellow fans informed me that we were up 10-6 at half! so we go to boston pizza and watch the lions go 0-6. woot! not...so at this point I'm full, exhausted, i have an eye infection (cause i left my contacts in due to lack of contact case, so i had to take one out that day), and the lions just threw away another game. i was in rough shape, thats whats up. i slept that afternoon.

that night we went to a church called "scum of the earth". it was cool. i'm not gunna go into much detail but i guess it was my best church experience here so far. that says something.



alright, now that I'm through the formal update i want to try and communicate the rest of sunday to you. i haven't spoken very often on how i feel and how I'm doing, i feel like. I do a lot more "updating" on here than i do thinking. the answer to that is i simply don't think too often and if i am caught thinking I'm probably either frustrated or ignorant to my thoughts. i used to get those types of nights back home quite often where i couldn't be sociable and the only remedy seemed to be fresh air or music. i didn't necessarily like those nights but i couldn't help them from coming or going. if nothing else it felt good to have emotion but they were generally draining. on a side note i want to apologize and thank those close to me for tolerating me during those times. i can have dramatically different personalities at times and the grace you all gave me is in plain view now. so sunday night was one of those nights. i was with about 12 other kids from school and it was interesting to see how they dealt with it. actually no it wasn't interesting, they just asked 2 or 3 times each "hey jimmy, are you okay?!" to which i quickly and perkily responded "yeah dude!" the two people who saw me in that state most back home - jon and jen - learned to embrace silence and thought unless i was inclined to engage. it was a long drive home, i literally didn't say a word while i listened to my ipod. God was up to something and whenever he's up to something it seems like its in music, for me. i don't know whether i like the emotion or not.

we finally got home and i was not in any way ready for bed or for people. so even though it was after curfew i went into the main building to play guitar. i was playing for close to an hour before one of the leaders came downstairs. normally this would mean a sure "check" (just assume checks are bad...and he didn't give me one) but he is my covenant leader and we have a pretty unique comfort in the we talk and are open with one another. rather than first asking me why i was still up and not in my dorm he simply asked if i was ok to which i responded, "i can't count how often i've been asked that tonite and simply replied through my teeth that i was. i'm not okay Murdoch" (yes, his name is murdoch). he told me he had been upstairs listening to me play worship for almost 20 minutes before he came down. we talked about things for a while and it was really suiting for me to get some of my thoughts off my mind but...i am so cold and hard that even in that vulnerable state i can't even tell yet whether i made a notable step. i wish i would have written my thoughts that night because its difficult to reflect accurately on them now.

i'm still consumed with doubts and fears and pride. i doubt me. i guess if i'm honest i doubt God, that he'll meet me halfway because i feel like he left me hanging in the past. so i have barriers. i'm too weak. i feel like its a weak that extends past typical christian weakness because i see peers and family and friends wrestle through similar or worse things than me and come out breathing, maybe even striving. there is this really neat illustration that paints a great picture about how i feel:

if you put a predatory fish in with a bait fish surely its gunna eat it. obvious answer. however if you place a glass sheet across the tank between the two fish something interesting happens...the predatory fish will slam into the glass for some time without showing significant signs of slowing down but as time goes on it will approach slower and more cautiously until finally it won't attack or pursue the bait at all. if you were to at this point remove the glass that bait could swim circles around the other fish and remain untouched because the predator has been conditioned to know it can't have it. this happened both in my faith first, and then in my emotion/love second. i could expand further on how this relates to me personally but I'm going to assume you'll make the connections. i simply grew so tired of saying the same things to the same people all the time about how i was no where near where i desired to be and i could not get any closer no matter the measure i took. my struggles and vices remained unchanged despite my efforts. my weaknesses and failures continued to define me and i started to grab hold of a lot of lies. i think the following thought sums it up well...if i was approaching my walk with Christ in a healthy manner, than he was not enough to sustain me. i was depressed and exhausted. if i was mixed up and confused and mis-focused than i don't know what the hell else i was supposed to do. in my heart of hearts i was paying prices and doing everything i felt i could to grow. so if i was somehow in the wrong then i don't know what being a christian looks like. someone here said today in their faith story that they finally determined that God was not going to take the first step; he will not make us love him. what happened to the lost sheep parable? if God values me like he says he does will he not drop what he's doing and go to whatever length to find and restore me back to his body? i dare not hope, but i'd like that to be true.

i'd also like to take a second to encourage those involved in the church back home. please, please do not take for granted the talent and experience we have within our music ministry. though my joy and thankfulness for involvement outweighed the times i took it for granted i know now how much more significant it was. i miss you all and hope that you are all still pushing hard and are thankful for the gifts and confidence God has blessed that team with. and on a broader scale i'm going to encourage you that if you know God don't take THAT for granted because the second you do, you may become something entirely different. it may cost you immensely in the qualities you misplace. if you want to talk to me about that personally, i know too well. there is nothing that excites me more here at school than kids who are fleeing bondage and are serious about finding God in their lives. i know that sounds strange and contrary to my dominant thoughts I've shared, but maybe that's evidence that God has somehow not completely forsaken me.

talk soon.
this is jimmy.

i keep putting this off. i'm not sure why cause i enjoy writing and i enjoy keepin you guys involved and when i wait this long i forget stuff thats happened since last update.

man, i am listening to Jon Bartel's new stuff right now and honestly i'm somewhat taken of words. dude that mix is nuts. and i have never heard that first song on your myspace..I'm real excited to pick up the full length. and I'm glad to hear you're doin so well (from your blogs).

so a common theme around here is people doing bold and different things. for example, there is a girl sitting beside me getting getting dreads as we speak. another example is that about 4 dudes pierced their ears this past week including me. I'm gunna stretch em a bit. not a lot but just enough for some small black plugs. don't worry they'll heal when i decide to take em out. i also was the proud owner of a BOLD mustache for a few days this week. there is proof on myspace for those who haven't seen these things yet. the mustache is gone now and monday marks a week where I'm gunna stretch my ears.

ok brace yourselves...Oct 21st Jimmy Whitfierce went snowboarding - the first ride of the year. let me elaborate. it was supposed to be a work day for me but i caught wind of a few guys planning a trip to strap up, so i paid someone 5$ to take my shift. so we leave at lunch for St. Mary's glacier (11,000ft elavation approx.) which has snow/ice year round. it was a mile hike up and a mile back while carrying our boards, shovels, and a rail. so we get there and its about 88% ice (much of which was spikes or rocks) with the odd patch of powder. we set up a booter but couldn't get it high enough to reach the rail so we just hit the jump some. the conditions were NASTY with no run up and no landing basically. i caught one pretty good backside grab but couldn't stop due to ice so i pitched up hard on a heap of rocks. surprisingly my body wasn't maimed too bad despite the shock although i did jam up my wrist pretty bad - the same wrist i've irritated for the 3rd time now. i posted a pic on facebook to show the bruising but you can't see it too well. its affecting my work outs but its getting better. also, there was these waves of blizzards where we couldn't see each other 5 feet away, then a few minutes later it would stop and we'd work or ride before the next wave came. we're glad we went but we wouldn't do it again. it is pretty well freezing here all day now so snow is reality now. the mountain opens in like a week and a half i think.

yesterday we went to a place nearby called "younglife". i don't know much about it except that its the biggest camp/retreat place I've ever seen. it has like a 30 man hot tub. so anyways we went there and did their high ropes course. pretty neat experience. i posted a picture or two and also have a video goin down the zipline.

i finally saw 21 the movie. man i definitly enjoyed that WAY too much. basically everything in that movie appeals to me 100 fold.

the lions are still winless and i'm losing hope. i mean, i'm in this for the long haul, i'm not looking for an easy out but man...its draining. redskins this week. i'm gunna try to find the game on someplace though i suspect its in vain to hope.

tomorrow i am going into denver with a carload of people. we're going to the zoo during the day i think and then going to a denver soccer game at night. we're then gunna stay at a students house who lives in denver so that we can hang out on sunday in denver and then go to an evening church service to a place called "scum of the earth". its a pretty non-legalistic church. apperently the pastor swore like 20 times during his sermon last week. should be interesting. the people who have been said it was just amazing.

k also i should just throw in...for those of you who are into hip hop/rap (which I'm guessing might amount to 1 or 2 people) go to www.myspace.com/116clique it is the most legit and amazing christian rap I've ever heard. trust me.

i think thats it.

bye bye.

I’m back! And man is it nice.

turned out to be a pretty long and interesting week. not sure how my thoughts will decode into words depending on my mood. There were definitely positive things but it wasn’t easy or glamorous most of the time.

so we leave last week on Thursday morning – three 15 passenger vans strong – for Celina Oklahoma. Took us something like 12 hours to get there but we kept busy. In fact, I might say it was a party all the way there. We were always playing games or wrestling or something or other. We played this one game where someone started this simple clap pattern and everyone just built on it with claps or beats. It actually turned out sooo good. So we get to the church we’re staying for the night and there is this sweet youth room with music videos playing, two pool tables, foosball, music equipment, and way too much candy and pop. We stayed up late, walked around town, played some poker – it was all round a good night. We leave the following morning at 6 am or something and finally arrive in Beaumont Texas at about 11 or 12.

just in case any of you are lost, we went down to texas to help clean up the disaster from hurricane Ike instead of going on our scheduled week long camp trip to Moab Utah. So basically the 35 of us got assigned to 3 or 4 separate teams each day, then got assigned to a house, then went and cleaned out the house as well as gutting it down to its joints. Cabinets, appliances, toilets, carpets, drywall, everything. Our first house was actually great. We didn’t know it at the time but in hindsight, it was our easiest one. We saw a bunch of gecko’s, tree frogs, cockroaches, and a couple snakes as we were doin demolition. I’m not gunna go into more detail about the houses specifically but I will say that I smelt things I had never smelt before and touched things that were unspeakably disgusting. Imagine several feet of water sitting for weeks and weeks (5 weeks since the hurricane) and just doin havoc to all their stuff. It was humid, maybe worse than we get at home, so we were literally sopping wet all the time and the smells, again (even with masks on) were enough to make me light headed sometimes. I think a lot of us expected worse though. We saw pictures and probably imagined homes that were in splinters or crumbled over and super dramatic stuff like that but really what it looked like was simply every single home was standing but had a 5-10 foot pile of garbage in front of their house. Literally everything had to be thrown out. So it was interesting to understand the perspective finally that for us it almost seemed a little anticlimactic at first cause all the houses were still there, and basically It was just a terrible flood, but when you think about it they all have to completely start over. Its hard to imagine that at all. And its sobering too to understand how materialistic and selfish I am. I get reminded of that daily but I mean, this was bad.

so we stayed at another church while in texas the whole time. They treated us well. We slept on cots (which weren’t so pleasant) but at least we had hot showers. Went to their service on Sunday – ew. We also went a couple times out to this authentic Mexican restaurant that was within walking distance. I’ll get pics up of a bunch of this stuff up sooner or later. another crazy thing about this trip was that whenever we weren’t at church (like were on the jobsite) we always had to eat what were called MRE’s, unless we got lucky and the Red Cross truck came around with warm meals. So basically an MRE stands for Meals Ready to Eat. Its literally what the army eats. So say you get beef stew it’ll come with a pack of beef stew, some crackers n cheese sauce, a cookie, raisons, and maybe one other gross thing. Then you put the hot part of the meal in a special pouch with salt water and it cooks – pretty wild. They are all gross. They don’t taste like much its more just substance. And they have like 1500 caleries, 180 carbs, and whatever else excessive amounts of energy that is impossible to use up. That whole thing was an interesting experience in itself.

also, on Sunday we had the day off after church so Pete organized a little canoe trip. It was in a river that wasn’t too big, and it had pretty sweet sand beaches along side it some places that we stopped and played on for breaks. The one main stop we had we played a bunch of football and Frisbee at first but the things got more aggressive. Me and Jamie (the guy I gave the concussion too and who used to be like a national champ wrestler) went up against a bunch of people in chicken fights…we went undefeated. Must be all the workin out I’ve been doin. After that we played a HUGE game of british bulldog. Also incredible. I finished second or better (of about 20) all three games. There were some minor injuries rest assured. K, so we keep canoeing and my canoe partner happens to be Stephan. If you don’t remember he’s my favorite. Check facebook for a reference. Sooo we decided to be pirates for the day right? Great idea! We put bandana’s on our mouths and made a lot of growling noises and then proceeded to steal the life jackets from every canoe that we could. One canoe got sassy with us and stole a couple from OUR huge pile. So Stephan hops from ours onto theirs but as its beginning to capsize he jumps back to ours and we flip too. After we finally recovered one of the leaders told us that if we get stopped or caught without lifejackets in every canoe it’s a 500 hundred dollar fine soooooo basically we played delivery boys the rest of the time catching up and giving people back their life jackets. It was a sweet day.

I’ll skip the rest of the week up until yesterday when we were about to leave. Nate, one of the dudes here was out at 6am helping load up the trailer and apparently got maimed by some fire ants…interesting and unfortunate. Well, turns out it was far more unfortunate because he found out he was allergic to them. He started rashing and swelling up all over his body so they eventually sent him to the hospital. The other two vans left back to that church in Oklahoma but our van of about 10 dudes stayed back until 3 o clock to wait for nate. Since it was a bit of a weird situation and we wouldn’t have arrived in Oklahoma until 5 in the morning we decided to crash at Eric’s house (another student) who lives in texas. This entire thing turned out to be a MASSIVE blessing in disguise. We had a BBQ, went swimming and hot tubbing, played a lot of video games, played some poker, and camped out on computers until 4 in the morning when we departed. So we had a friggin great night to wind down, and then we slept from like 5 til 2 in the afternoon. And now I feel fantastic and we’re back home in Colorado. We took a shorter way home and got home before the other group, hehe.

so that leads us up until right now! We’ve been doin some intense ab sessions and they keep getting more intense. We’re lookin into weights and splittin some protein products even. Tres bien. Now, we have the weekend off and most of Monday.

please lions please. this is the weekend.

so a couple days ago we acquired a mascot. one of our dudes went to take a shower and found a mouse in our washroom. so we've got like 5 dudes jumping around screaming about having a pet, so we throw on some gloves and cornered him into a trash can. it was awesome. his name was Moses the mouse. unfortunately it only lasted a day. i wanted to feed him and keep him around but someone let him go.

i just got back from Dan's place (my principle). we had an inCREDible coffee (fresh ground beans, pressed and everything.) and just talked all afternoon. that dude is amazing. i love his family so much. and as unstable as i am i can be honest with him and wrestle through things without feeling threatened and, at the same time i have enough experience and understanding to talk intelligently about issues and christian stuff.

so yesterday i went long boarding again. i was using a dudes long board was squeaking a bit but i decided it would be fine. so we start going down this trail and its not feeling real good but i had headphones in and couldn't hear. so i keep rippin and then....the WHEEL falls off! bloooddyyy. i bail, pick up the board, and then walk over to the highway to try and hitchhike down. no one picked me up.

last night we played football out on the to-be hockey rink. its basically just a nice wide open grass area that is cut short and nice. so its like 25 degrees out and we're playin football. it was fun except i took a pretty bad shot to the head, and thigh, and wrist. i'm feeling better today though.

ok so in big news, we were supposed to leave for MOAB Utah this week for a big ol camp/backpack trip. it was gunna be campin, hikin, bikin, climbin, etc. they do it every year. but a couple weeks ago an opportunity came up in Texas to serve and help clean up the mess from hurricane Ike that apparently ripped through there. so we were wrestling with what to do, and last night concluded that we were goin to texas. some local tiny churches gave us 2,000$ of gas money, and a third van to get down with. its a 20 hour drive and we're not aloud ipods. they want us to develope community on this trip and spend a lot of time in solitude. it's gunna be rough especially for me. so anyways, I'll be back in a week. we leave tomorrow.

we were doin 2-a-days for about the past week with regard to ab workouts but its slowed down a bit. we get up at 7, workout, go in the hot tub at 7:30, then give ourselves ten minutes to get ready for breakfast at 8. I've also been running about 3-4 times a week. i do about 4 kms which i'm really pleased with at this altitude. progress feels slow, its hard to tell. but we'll see.

had my first phone call the other night. it was with Jen and it was awesome. if anyone really really wants to talk to me, send me an email and we can maybe arrange for it.

thanks for stoppin in.

Jimmmmi

I hate camping.

we went on a camping trip this weekend and I mmeaaannn parts of it were ok but for the most part I’m not a fan of camping. Keep in mind the last time I went camping we had a 15” TV, xbox 360, original Nintendo, and a fridge all inside of our tent. So this was somewhat of a downgrade.

so we get there Thursday night and have dinner and then some devo/worship after that around a fire. By the time that was done we were wondering what we were gunna do besides throw a football or explore (plus it was real dark by now) so somehow this crazy fire game evolved. A couple dudes started throwing hot ashes from the firepit up into the air and other dudes started hitting them in mid air too. So basically it was fire volleyball, or perhaps hacky sack. I think I named it ashball. It was super intense. One got caught in a guys hood once and another time it got stuck in a guys bandana tied around his neck. I have some sweet photo’s of it that I will post.

Saturday was cave day. Three separate groups went into this cave up in the mountain. The exploring lasted 3 hours in each case. I was a bit nervous at first but it turned out to be awweeesssome. Everything was wet and thus very slippery and there was no flatground; everything was an obstacle. Many of these obstacles were very very small holes or cracks we had to squeeze through also. One dude at our school is legally blind so it was pretty scary when we do anything with him. He can see a little but he can’t drive. He’s 23 and I think he’s albino (from what I’m told). Oh and he’s from Alberta. On a side note, the other three Canadians here are some of the three weirdest people here. That sounds bad I know, but its sort of a sad standard for peoples stereotypes toward Canada. Anyways, so this dude has to make a 3 or 4 foot jump and misses. He lands on his chest and slides into a crevice. I wasn’t there but I heard the story. It sounded bad, and the wounds looked real bad. Aside from that nothing to serious. I have a completely blue shin and some other bruises. Oh, and one dude was exploring and got the back of his knee ripped up on a rusty piece of barbed wire so he had to go get a tetnus shot. Something ALWAYS happens here like that.

so caving was awesome. I’ll post some pics of that too. The rest of the weekend was fine. I just hate cleaning up dirty cloths and cleaning up and feeling super greasy and stinky and stuff. Speaking of stinky there was a sulphur river next to our camp that was like 50 degrees so a couple dudes took baths in there. Apparently sulphur is good for your skin?

so I’m really anticipating the Lions game tomorrow. I forgot to tell you guys too that we’re about 8 fans strong here now too. It started when I found 2 lions fans about 4 days ago then, the four of us just started asking people if they wanted to be a lions fan and they were down. So 6 or 7 of us are going to this pub in town that is showing the game. I NEED them to come through this week.

I listened to the Hillsongs album entitled “this is our God” 3 times through this weekend. Its outstanding. I mean, its predictably hillsongs just coming through with another bombshell. As good as it is though I could hardly even stand it. It reminded me of too many things. It reminded me of “home”, reminded me of certain people, reminded me of quiet car rides, reminded me of worship and bass, reminded me of emotion…it was sort of strange to deal with. It was the most spiritual experience I’ve had since I’ve been here. If I could possibly somehow find God I feel like my best chances are in music. There are too many lies that slow me down though, too many Christ-follower stories that discourage me when they’ve lacked any change, and knowing too well my weaknesses and where the treasure of my heart is. I realized something today. I’ve said this before but I hate my bodytype more than anything. I hate feeling sort of big and I’d kill to be cut, but even though I am running and trying to takes steps I still lack the discipline to get the job done well. So if I struggle this much in changing something I’m VERY passionate about, how do I suppose I am going to change a lifestyle that I don’t hate; sin that I don’t detest.

there is no stability in my thought life but again, all I can say is we’ll see.

check out the new pics. And cheer hard for the lions tomorrow.

bye friends.

Jimmy.

p.s. mom the new sleeping bag was a DREAM. It was like 15 farentheit at night and I was hot in my bundies. Mummy sleeping bags are a miracle. Also, the fact that I’ve managed to spend as much money as I have in one month is a also a miracle. Or a nightmare.

if you are not into football, go ahead and skip to the next paragraph. a pretty disappointing start from the Lions of course, going 0-3. i feel like this week is going to be one of the most important games of their season. They just came off their bye week so they had time to rest a bit, and re-evaluate whats been going wrong. primarilly its the first half thats diggin their weekly grave. points in first half against detroit were 0-21, 0-21, and 3-21 i think. no wonder. they only have 3 sacks, so pressure on Orton is gunna be something to watch and hope for this week, and detroit needs to create some turnovers too since they've struggled with that. another key element is that there is still lots of time left (13 games) and no one in the division is really pulling away yet. this week is against the bears (a division rival) so it is their chance to get some momentum going here, and feed that hunger they've aquired for some W's. another major part of this week is that it is going to be my first week of actually getting to WATCH the game. Fox doesn't play lions games up here but i went and did some homework in town today and found a place that has NFL ticket, so they are going to show it there.

there is still a lot of exciting things going on here nearly everyday. i guess its just slightly less exciting or notable than the first couple weeks, but i will continue to update of course. my knee and leg are still messed up. i keep re-straining my knee, and i went on a 3 mile run the other day that ruined my calves. now see, that is a problem because tomorrow morning we leave for the men's retreat weekend to some place where we will be hiking and camping and doin a bunch of stuff in a cave or something...i dunno details. its gunna be wild though. I'll make sure to get some pics m k?

the other night i connected with a couple guys on a different level than we've experienced thus far. there is a lot of struggle and conflict in each of our faiths (mine most, by far) but we all want to give this an honest chance and start paying some prices for Christ's sake. after this retreat we are meeting every night to work through romans, and just talk and pray and stuff. we found a sweet secret place in the woods to make fires for these meetings. so that is hopeful. i guess. we'll see.

i'll get back to you guys on sunday night probably ok? i feel like i'm leaving out a lot of details or stories. must mean i need to update more often so i remember stuff.

have a great weekend.

Alright, time to update again. I set the tempo a little high on the blog-rate I think. Its been harder to find time and computers (and energy) to sit down, but I’ll try to do it every 2 or 3 days still. Also, for those of you who haven’t looked yet, I add new photos from here at school usually at least once a week.

so this past Monday was kind of an off day, and we went and played a huge game of ultimate Frisbee. I’m not that big on ultimate Frisbee but boy do I like to yell, so that’s basically what I contributed to my team. I also pulled like both my leg muscles so I could hardly run. During the course of the game I got shouldered in the mouth, and then elbowed again in the throat. It was terrible. In fact It was hard to swallow for the rest of the day. That’s just the way things roll around here. If things are normal, you’re hurting and you don’t get time to recover.

Tuesday I was a lumberjack all afternoon. It was pretty sweet wielding a chainsaw and lifting 300 lb logs. Manliest of man duties I reckon. We had classes all this week by a guest speaker on the book of John. I can’t stand class.

we went long boarding again on a crazy hill this week and got clocked at 37 mph. two guys spilled and got wrecked up. Soo much road rash. Probably 40% of our male population is notably maimed from crashes. Yesterday I was at the skatepark and bruised my wrist, and mildly hyper-extended my right knee. I must have just really stretched some stuff in there or something cause I can’t straighten it. So that sucks.

today we went climbing at some cliffs, I’ll post some pics. It was hard with my body so beat up but it was fun.

remember me complaining about not having headphones? Well I got some. They are called “Skull Candy” and retail at 85$, but I got em for 35$ brand new after shipping. I can’t speak highly enough about these headphones. They are just earbuds (which I normally don’t support) but they puuummmpp. It feels like there is a system in your ears, and it isn’t ridiculous like bass for the sake of bass, it’s an ideal mix. So good. And I found my headlamp that was missing.

the workout thing isn’t going so well. We do climbing and then abs pretty often, a few of us, but I can’t run because of my bum knee. And I was eating soooo much so now I’m starting to slow down. I’m so sick of a mediocre and slightly overweight body type. I hate not knowing if I’m making progress (without a scale), but it sure doesn’t feel like it.

oh, I’m also gunna post some pics of the fox. He ate out of our hand this week. we were feeding him honeycomb.

I’m going to Denver tomorrow to hang out with some ravencrest people (that is the other torchbearer bible college in Colorado). Then at night we’re doing sumo wrestling back at the lodge. I guess they are renting those suites. Sunday is another event thingy in Denver. Too lazy to describe it. Maybe I’ll update about it if its exciting.

I went out for coffee with my principle the other day for almost 3 hours. I was completely honest with him about my thoughts and the way I feel. I can’t believe how he treated it. As well as he could of for sure. He was so supportive and even though he was concerned he wasn’t at all worried or controlling about it. That was just incredible. But since then I still waiver even a couple times a day about how I feel toward my spiritual future. I’m still virtually flat-lined, but there has been at least trace amounts of progress. I find its still for the wrong reasons. I don’t want it for me, but I consider having it for others. Only time will tell.

catch up soon again my friends.

jimmy.