almost home

I’ve been slacking I know. This will be my last update before I leave for New York. We leave tomorrow morning at 5am, meaning we have to be up by at least 4:30. Dude that’s rugged. I’m either going to bed tonight at 9, or at 2 cause 4 or 5 hours of sleep just wrecks you. 2 hours is great nap though. I think I’ve told most of you this but I’m dreading New York. I mean, I love the city and I love Christmas but this is not a vacation. 6 o clock mornings, duties (cleaning stuff, washing dishes, and who knows what else.), having to be on a rigged schedule of ministries and obligations, having to share your testimony or a devotion, even at the point of a finger. Have you ever thought of the idea of mission’s trips? First of all, I question the validity altogether of missions. Aside from a small and unique group of individuals I agree are maybe ‘called’ to missions, I think its sort of silly. That’s just me, I’ve never had a heart for missions. I’ve felt like its an excuse for Christians to get out of the mission field they are already in, maybe because it would be easier for them to share somewhere else. On the surface we’re pretty collected in North America but there is probably as much brokenness here as anywhere else. Second, how strange is it that we pay thousands of dollars to go somewhere to work for people and function under their ideals. I know that’s bold, and I know its insensitive. As Christians we’re to have servant hearts and giving hearts so we ought to be glad to serve and go on these trips. But seriously, It is weird – us paying them to go and work.

I’m being critical I know. And I know that people can have significant impacts on areas they go to serve both spiritually and economically. Beyond what we bring to people during missions, I also know that the people we go to serve end up transforming us too. It’s kind of like a youth retreat for adults. Things are brought back into perspective and you get all fired up for a little while. Again, just thinking. Hopefully God does something in my heart to have more sympathy and understanding for those who have a heart for missions. Especially Mexico may do that. The same way I never had a burning passion for some third world country, perhaps some people cannot find that passion for our communities.

Whew, I didn’t even plan on talking about missions.

Been snowboarding a lot. I’m enjoying it more now than I was a the beginning of the year. 3 or 4 times a week we either set up rails and booters in our backyard, or we’re at the mountain.

I can’t remember if I told you in my last update either that we built a bunch of snow forts. The one we built could have fit 7 or 8 students in it. Somethin fierce.

Still running quite a bit. I’m hovering around -10 pounds since when I got here. Not bad since I’ve been workin out so much and adding muscle too. I’m excited to be at home and be able to run on asphalt instead of snow. Even though its often about 20 degrees here its super tolerable because there is no humidity. So I’m wondering what cold is gunna feel like back home. That, and how much thicker the air is gunna be.

I’m in a class right now where a discussion between free will and predestination is going down. Not only am I kind of turned of that people dwell on this type of thing but I’m even more annoyed that people argue predestination. Last time I checked the story of creation, God was very intentional in giving us a choice. If God absolutely knew all things since the beginning then He saw beforehand that we would be where we are morally – both as Christians and non-Christians. That means that he was willing to have a dominant majority bound to a life of suffering and hell to serve the ransom for the very few who would eventually be united with him. And isn’t that selfish?! So lets say that God knew 80% of people would never walk in His steps, but that’s fine as long as some people were worshipping him? That would also mean that since God knows absolutely all things to come, that means our outcomes our bound by that rail called predestination. Of course we don’t know what that outcome is, but how messed up is that there would be people who God knows are going to hell regardless of the efforts of Christians or the efforts of the individual to figure it out. It’s a slippery argument. Not worth dwelling on either in my opinion.

The one thing I cannot shake is that God used to offset my selfishness. I don’t want God. I can’t overcome some things just yet but I do know I am embarrassingly more selfish than I used to be. I used to have reasons o fight it. Maybe I used to have ‘help’ to fight it through Christ. Now I’ve just embraced it and its pretty gross. But I think I’m moving away from it. Something happened this past weekend that I’m not going to describe in detail, but a number of students including me broke some rules here and honestly, I hated it afterward. And this was something I’ve done before and enjoyed, but my conscience had had enough or something this time. I think since I’ve been talking to my mom a lot more recently, and with Jen, I feel more accountable to whom I am. So it was bittersweet I suppose. There will be consequences for it I’m sure. I think we’re talking to Dan later today because they already know. I’m glad I was so disappointed in myself and I’m glad it was unappealing. I don’t feel like this is a pivotal turning point but I think it is a push in that direction. It certainly made me think; made me consider what is actually important to me. I’ve got another semester to figure some of that out.

I’m still frustrated and bitter with God and with people. I’m still scared to death of change – more specifically returning back to the old me. I’m still confused, even though I have some seemingly strong opinions. And I’m still shallow because that is the foundation that allows me to function the way I do. The thing I miss most is Love. God granted me the capacity to Love, and my passion for life and people facilitated that love.

We’ll see. Stay tuned. And see you soon.

J.R. Whitfield