don't slow down

we were supposed to have a group come in this weekend. it was going to be our last scheduled group of the year but a huge storm rolled in and they had to cancel. we had like 3 weeks of spring around here so most people were gettin pretty excited but then all of a sudden we get this blizzard rolling through threatening up to 2 feet of snow. i'll take advantage of the extra time and snow this weekend and get to the mountain.

just found out yesterday that two guys (chris ryan and spencer rogers, one of my roomates) are probably getting sent home. its pretty crazy since its so close to the end of the year, and the last time the obstruction was committed was over a month ago. Dan just found out from someone recently i guess. its because they smoked weed here. there are even others who have done the same, but i guess these two have just done it the most and got caught. its pretty rugged. spencer is shook up. we're gunna have a room meeting today to talk it out.

in other offical news my ipod is toast. its been showing signs of dying for a while now. i mean, it is 2 years old so i'm not upset. i think they're only supposed to live for a good year or so? at least the old models. the problem isn't so much me being short an ipod. the problem is that i need all my music off of it! i've drawn audio from several different computers, so it would be difficult to restore my library. not to mention i don't have any money for an ipod right now.

i've already told you about my strange obsession with not having any kids. i just watch them and think, "man, my life would be OVER the second that i have to take care of a couple punesters" (derived from the word puny(sp?) to describe something or someone small. yea i made it up and use it toward children now). Matt MacDonald (the 6' 7" basketball player) immediately fell in love with the term and uses it regularilly. i was going to make a point about this. i decided that the motive behind having kids is so that people sort of live on through there kids. maybe this is deranged and of course its just an opinion on one of the main influencers for having kids. we are finite beings and i'm sure that only becomes more and more urgent as you get older. it just makes sense that a part of you carries on and receives what used to be yours and learns from you and is sort of an image you when you've got a kid. when i think about it, that would be one decent reason to have them. otherwise i might end up bein 30 or 40 or 50 without a kid thinking, this is it. once i'm done in a couple decades there won't be a trace of me left. nothing 'of' me lives on.

i also conjured up an argument for my bachelor-hood. i talk about it enough but this is a new thought. i'm pretty strong on not being committed to someone and of course i understand why to some extent but this was a new bit of reasoning that came to me. I have always up til now (and still do) made regular parallels between God and marriage. we hear about it at marriages, we read about it in the bible. its nearly irrefutable. thats the beauty, we see and understand how we relate and function with God through many earthly relationships. that been said i'm screwed. if faith and love are so similar and i've already crapped out on faith then what does that say about love? i don't even need to make a reasonable assumption about what might happen, I've already proved myself to be lacking in eithe area. So faith got hard, i assessed my options, and chose to serve me. what would i do in a marriage? what would i do when the feeling left and i didn't feel love like i used too. what if nothing was working and i was getting a lot of attention from women still. would i act on my options? i'm not a very good person but at least i know it. i don't trust myself. now, i'm relatively young and seeing how much i've changed one way in such a short time, i know i'm not too far gone to restore some integrity some day, but right now thats a huge reason why i can't get committed - i don't trust myself for a second.

i think i decided to fly home at the end of April since i have to be out of the country, but then drive a car back down a few days later so that i don't miss the end of the year at school, and then i would just pack up and drive back home. right now thats what it looks like. and summer plans? no news. i remember being so excited in february and march because i thought i had sure-fire options but they've been leaking on me ever so steady. thats fine. i'll make the most of where i am. something will work out.

the last thing i have too say? i've been listening to waaayyy too much techno. my music capacity has dwindled pretty severely i think.

J.R.

i just arrived back from mexico yesterday. it was an interesting trip. you've kind of heard my rant about missions and how they don't really line up for me so i probably appreciated this trip the least out of everyone who went. i mean, i tried to be positive (and there are positive things to be said about it) but it wasn't easy. we went to Dzan Mexico in the Yukitan peninsula to help build an orphanage. we didn't so much build though as we did just pull 5 foot tall weeds and plants in the field on the front of the property. we did that everyday. on the last day we poured some concrete and worked on a garden but that is basically it. in the evenings we would usually just go get Coke's in bottles for about 40 american cents, and sit in the downtown square watching people. a couple nights we played soccer in town with some of the kids. we went to a prison one of the days and did a service for about 50 of the inmates. i guess it was pretty special, i'm just jaded too it. so we finally go to cancun for our long awaited two days to finish the trip and wind down. we stay at this remote little hotel that smells like sewage and had 3 cockroaches in our room. the pool was green and the walls/doors were paper thin. our one full day in cancun though we went across to an island which was a great day. we rented brand new scooters and zipped around those for most of the day. we also did some tanning, swimming, shopping, beach volleyball...everyone was free to do what they pleased all day. so i guess that was the highlight. on the way home when i got the airport in houston for our connecting flight we had to go through customs. i got pulled into the office for further questioning. after asking an extensive set of questions about the school and my involvment the guy finally replied "ok well, whatever you showed them in detroit when you came over you're not showing us now. you must have had other paperwork or proof at that time (which we did, my mom has it at home). we don't have to honour this stamp allowing you extended time in the US. i could have you on a direct flight to canada for this." he eventually let me go, but made it clear that the time i was aloud ended april 30th...i have to be out of the country by then. i only miss 2 weeks of school, but that two weeks include a trip to moab utah for a week, and graduation. so it was quite a downer on things.

that's a summarized look at mexico. the last few days have been particularilly hard to face myself, which is unusual. i generally love myself and just about everything going on in my life, but i've been seeing my deeply flawed nature. i'm so negative about just certain things. i function on the surface of emotion and thought. i'm more selfish than i've ever been. basically, whatever nature of my flesh i used to fight against in christ's name i have seen take shape now that it is unchecked. its not enough to change yet, but its not too little to ignore. i've had a couple of gripping decisions i've made in the last few weeks two that are almost haunting me. its been a strange and heavy few days, but i plan on bouncing back asap. summer plans being so waivered and uncertain don't help either. there are reasons why home is appealing but there are reasons why home is a last ditch option too. any other door besides that one may require risk and my ability to step out on chance. i'd like to do that. i admire the people who can.

i've decided it would be a dream of mine to go on tour with a band. i picture an already established and recognized band, probably hardcore. i just think it would be an unmatched experience. something else though as i was talking to owen today came up. he's been recording a bit so he sent me a song he had just finished (it was a cover). it was beautiful. he just used garage band, but the vocals were nearly dead on. i was just trying to imagine doin music with that guy which could also be so much fun. we're alike in a lot of ways (and unlike in others..).

another thing that has come to my attention is that, i have a problem with authority. i don't know when the transition happened or what sparked it exactly. i always sort of thought that i wasn't at all the type of person to be rebelious or have this problem, but i do. i don't like doing things just for the sake of doing them. i like reason and i like understanding why so that i'm fully behind it. if i see the picture and agree with it i think i'm very capable of moving on it.

until later.

JR