don't slow down

we were supposed to have a group come in this weekend. it was going to be our last scheduled group of the year but a huge storm rolled in and they had to cancel. we had like 3 weeks of spring around here so most people were gettin pretty excited but then all of a sudden we get this blizzard rolling through threatening up to 2 feet of snow. i'll take advantage of the extra time and snow this weekend and get to the mountain.

just found out yesterday that two guys (chris ryan and spencer rogers, one of my roomates) are probably getting sent home. its pretty crazy since its so close to the end of the year, and the last time the obstruction was committed was over a month ago. Dan just found out from someone recently i guess. its because they smoked weed here. there are even others who have done the same, but i guess these two have just done it the most and got caught. its pretty rugged. spencer is shook up. we're gunna have a room meeting today to talk it out.

in other offical news my ipod is toast. its been showing signs of dying for a while now. i mean, it is 2 years old so i'm not upset. i think they're only supposed to live for a good year or so? at least the old models. the problem isn't so much me being short an ipod. the problem is that i need all my music off of it! i've drawn audio from several different computers, so it would be difficult to restore my library. not to mention i don't have any money for an ipod right now.

i've already told you about my strange obsession with not having any kids. i just watch them and think, "man, my life would be OVER the second that i have to take care of a couple punesters" (derived from the word puny(sp?) to describe something or someone small. yea i made it up and use it toward children now). Matt MacDonald (the 6' 7" basketball player) immediately fell in love with the term and uses it regularilly. i was going to make a point about this. i decided that the motive behind having kids is so that people sort of live on through there kids. maybe this is deranged and of course its just an opinion on one of the main influencers for having kids. we are finite beings and i'm sure that only becomes more and more urgent as you get older. it just makes sense that a part of you carries on and receives what used to be yours and learns from you and is sort of an image you when you've got a kid. when i think about it, that would be one decent reason to have them. otherwise i might end up bein 30 or 40 or 50 without a kid thinking, this is it. once i'm done in a couple decades there won't be a trace of me left. nothing 'of' me lives on.

i also conjured up an argument for my bachelor-hood. i talk about it enough but this is a new thought. i'm pretty strong on not being committed to someone and of course i understand why to some extent but this was a new bit of reasoning that came to me. I have always up til now (and still do) made regular parallels between God and marriage. we hear about it at marriages, we read about it in the bible. its nearly irrefutable. thats the beauty, we see and understand how we relate and function with God through many earthly relationships. that been said i'm screwed. if faith and love are so similar and i've already crapped out on faith then what does that say about love? i don't even need to make a reasonable assumption about what might happen, I've already proved myself to be lacking in eithe area. So faith got hard, i assessed my options, and chose to serve me. what would i do in a marriage? what would i do when the feeling left and i didn't feel love like i used too. what if nothing was working and i was getting a lot of attention from women still. would i act on my options? i'm not a very good person but at least i know it. i don't trust myself. now, i'm relatively young and seeing how much i've changed one way in such a short time, i know i'm not too far gone to restore some integrity some day, but right now thats a huge reason why i can't get committed - i don't trust myself for a second.

i think i decided to fly home at the end of April since i have to be out of the country, but then drive a car back down a few days later so that i don't miss the end of the year at school, and then i would just pack up and drive back home. right now thats what it looks like. and summer plans? no news. i remember being so excited in february and march because i thought i had sure-fire options but they've been leaking on me ever so steady. thats fine. i'll make the most of where i am. something will work out.

the last thing i have too say? i've been listening to waaayyy too much techno. my music capacity has dwindled pretty severely i think.

J.R.