i just arrived back from mexico yesterday. it was an interesting trip. you've kind of heard my rant about missions and how they don't really line up for me so i probably appreciated this trip the least out of everyone who went. i mean, i tried to be positive (and there are positive things to be said about it) but it wasn't easy. we went to Dzan Mexico in the Yukitan peninsula to help build an orphanage. we didn't so much build though as we did just pull 5 foot tall weeds and plants in the field on the front of the property. we did that everyday. on the last day we poured some concrete and worked on a garden but that is basically it. in the evenings we would usually just go get Coke's in bottles for about 40 american cents, and sit in the downtown square watching people. a couple nights we played soccer in town with some of the kids. we went to a prison one of the days and did a service for about 50 of the inmates. i guess it was pretty special, i'm just jaded too it. so we finally go to cancun for our long awaited two days to finish the trip and wind down. we stay at this remote little hotel that smells like sewage and had 3 cockroaches in our room. the pool was green and the walls/doors were paper thin. our one full day in cancun though we went across to an island which was a great day. we rented brand new scooters and zipped around those for most of the day. we also did some tanning, swimming, shopping, beach volleyball...everyone was free to do what they pleased all day. so i guess that was the highlight. on the way home when i got the airport in houston for our connecting flight we had to go through customs. i got pulled into the office for further questioning. after asking an extensive set of questions about the school and my involvment the guy finally replied "ok well, whatever you showed them in detroit when you came over you're not showing us now. you must have had other paperwork or proof at that time (which we did, my mom has it at home). we don't have to honour this stamp allowing you extended time in the US. i could have you on a direct flight to canada for this." he eventually let me go, but made it clear that the time i was aloud ended april 30th...i have to be out of the country by then. i only miss 2 weeks of school, but that two weeks include a trip to moab utah for a week, and graduation. so it was quite a downer on things.

that's a summarized look at mexico. the last few days have been particularilly hard to face myself, which is unusual. i generally love myself and just about everything going on in my life, but i've been seeing my deeply flawed nature. i'm so negative about just certain things. i function on the surface of emotion and thought. i'm more selfish than i've ever been. basically, whatever nature of my flesh i used to fight against in christ's name i have seen take shape now that it is unchecked. its not enough to change yet, but its not too little to ignore. i've had a couple of gripping decisions i've made in the last few weeks two that are almost haunting me. its been a strange and heavy few days, but i plan on bouncing back asap. summer plans being so waivered and uncertain don't help either. there are reasons why home is appealing but there are reasons why home is a last ditch option too. any other door besides that one may require risk and my ability to step out on chance. i'd like to do that. i admire the people who can.

i've decided it would be a dream of mine to go on tour with a band. i picture an already established and recognized band, probably hardcore. i just think it would be an unmatched experience. something else though as i was talking to owen today came up. he's been recording a bit so he sent me a song he had just finished (it was a cover). it was beautiful. he just used garage band, but the vocals were nearly dead on. i was just trying to imagine doin music with that guy which could also be so much fun. we're alike in a lot of ways (and unlike in others..).

another thing that has come to my attention is that, i have a problem with authority. i don't know when the transition happened or what sparked it exactly. i always sort of thought that i wasn't at all the type of person to be rebelious or have this problem, but i do. i don't like doing things just for the sake of doing them. i like reason and i like understanding why so that i'm fully behind it. if i see the picture and agree with it i think i'm very capable of moving on it.

until later.

JR