No Money Mo Problems....the rapper was clearly confused.

still home. still jobless. i'm trying, but i know i could be trying harder. i had a few interesting conversations tonite that sparked me into writing so late at night. the first one was with my best friend from out at school. he lives in tennesee. he has housing, a starting job (until i find something more ideal for myself) all availble and lined up for me to take the step out there. i just need to do my homework and figure out work visa's. and i want it, so i don't understand why i haven't worked on it yet. when i'm passionate about something i'm usually good with going after it. fitness is a good testament of that. talked to owen a bunch too. most people don't know or like him an awful lot and thats just cause he's different. he always was growing up around here. didn't get along great with people and just didn't feel like this was him here in leamington, so he took a step out in faith. he moved to calgary and is still there, loving it. him and i are strangely alike in many ways. so he's been showin me tough love these days reminding me that i'm stuck, and i'm rotting here in leamington. i'm crippled by my fear and depandance. i'm becoming the precise person i typically speak out against and pity - the person who is stagnant for the sake of comfort even if they know its not their best, or where their heart longs for. i constantly dream and hope to be a person who goes after what excites me. thats all i want. i want to be proactive and willing to step out for what i want, because the act of falling short in that is my best chance of finding regret. no one wants to look back on their life and wonder if they would have lived harder or more ambitious.

i'm realizing as i write and develope this thought that it counters my style of living. i'm implying that i would rather stumble and fail in chasing something grande, than play it safe, protecting myself, and remaining stable. that's just what i've done with my heart and soul. i've protected it at the cost of experiencing tremendous highs and lows. i'm stable. but i'll never experience the truest and purest joys in this state, that i used to know...all in the name of protecting myself from being hurt. and i'm fine with that right now. in another conversation with someone tonite, we were talking about all of this and they asked me "are the highs worth the lows?" i didn't even hesitate in responding yes. i wish i had done certain things differently, of course, but knowing God and his influence on me, and then knowing Jen and the impact that had on my life and heart, i couldn't possibly have answered that it wasn't worth it. even after what i ended up having to deal with. i was obviously surprised at my own response because it contradicts my cause and reasoning for the path i've chosen, right? absolutely. ignorance and distraction. thats the name of the game. this is just another proof. i'm avoiding what i know, to experience what i don't. it'll all be cause for an even more informed stance. perhaps a more positive one down the road. One where i'm capable of loving someone again.

i'm getting stuck. i'm scared. everyday brings me one more day closer to doing something very drastic to get out and shake things up. i need people, i need involvement, i need purpose and the opportunity to excel. i need positive and excited people around me who share in my interests. i need to capture and capitolize on this stage of my life. God help me, i hope it happens...i hope i make it happen.

J.R.