what if we close our eyes? what if we can't wake up?

this is going to be a rather long one, sorry.

as i mentioned, i was in denver all weekend. my saturday started with stefan waking me up at 9:30 with hot eggo's. at first i was frustrated that anyone was waking me up but then i realized how amazing that deal was so i ate one and went back to sleep. slept til 12.

we left for denver just after lunch, got there at about 3, and went to the Denver zoo. it was pretty good but i think the detroit zoo was better. or perhaps it was just my experience (and particularilly the company) that made it seem better. it was "boo at the zoo" actually that day which basically means there is a bazillion kids in getups coppin some free candy right? so i think i might have had more fun at times just looking at costumes than i did at the animals themselves.

we leave the zoo, tap some quick chow, then head to the soccer game. now, i wasn't even interested in going at first but turns out it was a lot of fun. It was the last game of the season for the Colorado Rapids and the playoffs were on the line. they tied and therefore didn't make playoffs. after the game we went and got milkshakes.

one of the students, Jenny, is from denver so the 5 of us camped at her place saturday night. we watched finding nemo and although i've seen that movie 50 times easy, its probably been close to a year since I've seen it last. and i've only ever seen it with one person so it was a pre big deal. after the movie we were sort of going to bed but decided to go longboarding instead. after longboarding we found this park. i know what you're thinking, "wow jimmy! really? a park? like swings and everything?!?!" shut up. this was no elementary park my friends. i wish i had taken more pictures (i took a few) cause it had some original and DANGerous toys throughout. we got home from that at 4 am. i slept until about 12:45 that morning, just in time to run to a sports bar and catch the second half of the lions game. my fellow fans informed me that we were up 10-6 at half! so we go to boston pizza and watch the lions go 0-6. woot! not...so at this point I'm full, exhausted, i have an eye infection (cause i left my contacts in due to lack of contact case, so i had to take one out that day), and the lions just threw away another game. i was in rough shape, thats whats up. i slept that afternoon.

that night we went to a church called "scum of the earth". it was cool. i'm not gunna go into much detail but i guess it was my best church experience here so far. that says something.



alright, now that I'm through the formal update i want to try and communicate the rest of sunday to you. i haven't spoken very often on how i feel and how I'm doing, i feel like. I do a lot more "updating" on here than i do thinking. the answer to that is i simply don't think too often and if i am caught thinking I'm probably either frustrated or ignorant to my thoughts. i used to get those types of nights back home quite often where i couldn't be sociable and the only remedy seemed to be fresh air or music. i didn't necessarily like those nights but i couldn't help them from coming or going. if nothing else it felt good to have emotion but they were generally draining. on a side note i want to apologize and thank those close to me for tolerating me during those times. i can have dramatically different personalities at times and the grace you all gave me is in plain view now. so sunday night was one of those nights. i was with about 12 other kids from school and it was interesting to see how they dealt with it. actually no it wasn't interesting, they just asked 2 or 3 times each "hey jimmy, are you okay?!" to which i quickly and perkily responded "yeah dude!" the two people who saw me in that state most back home - jon and jen - learned to embrace silence and thought unless i was inclined to engage. it was a long drive home, i literally didn't say a word while i listened to my ipod. God was up to something and whenever he's up to something it seems like its in music, for me. i don't know whether i like the emotion or not.

we finally got home and i was not in any way ready for bed or for people. so even though it was after curfew i went into the main building to play guitar. i was playing for close to an hour before one of the leaders came downstairs. normally this would mean a sure "check" (just assume checks are bad...and he didn't give me one) but he is my covenant leader and we have a pretty unique comfort in the we talk and are open with one another. rather than first asking me why i was still up and not in my dorm he simply asked if i was ok to which i responded, "i can't count how often i've been asked that tonite and simply replied through my teeth that i was. i'm not okay Murdoch" (yes, his name is murdoch). he told me he had been upstairs listening to me play worship for almost 20 minutes before he came down. we talked about things for a while and it was really suiting for me to get some of my thoughts off my mind but...i am so cold and hard that even in that vulnerable state i can't even tell yet whether i made a notable step. i wish i would have written my thoughts that night because its difficult to reflect accurately on them now.

i'm still consumed with doubts and fears and pride. i doubt me. i guess if i'm honest i doubt God, that he'll meet me halfway because i feel like he left me hanging in the past. so i have barriers. i'm too weak. i feel like its a weak that extends past typical christian weakness because i see peers and family and friends wrestle through similar or worse things than me and come out breathing, maybe even striving. there is this really neat illustration that paints a great picture about how i feel:

if you put a predatory fish in with a bait fish surely its gunna eat it. obvious answer. however if you place a glass sheet across the tank between the two fish something interesting happens...the predatory fish will slam into the glass for some time without showing significant signs of slowing down but as time goes on it will approach slower and more cautiously until finally it won't attack or pursue the bait at all. if you were to at this point remove the glass that bait could swim circles around the other fish and remain untouched because the predator has been conditioned to know it can't have it. this happened both in my faith first, and then in my emotion/love second. i could expand further on how this relates to me personally but I'm going to assume you'll make the connections. i simply grew so tired of saying the same things to the same people all the time about how i was no where near where i desired to be and i could not get any closer no matter the measure i took. my struggles and vices remained unchanged despite my efforts. my weaknesses and failures continued to define me and i started to grab hold of a lot of lies. i think the following thought sums it up well...if i was approaching my walk with Christ in a healthy manner, than he was not enough to sustain me. i was depressed and exhausted. if i was mixed up and confused and mis-focused than i don't know what the hell else i was supposed to do. in my heart of hearts i was paying prices and doing everything i felt i could to grow. so if i was somehow in the wrong then i don't know what being a christian looks like. someone here said today in their faith story that they finally determined that God was not going to take the first step; he will not make us love him. what happened to the lost sheep parable? if God values me like he says he does will he not drop what he's doing and go to whatever length to find and restore me back to his body? i dare not hope, but i'd like that to be true.

i'd also like to take a second to encourage those involved in the church back home. please, please do not take for granted the talent and experience we have within our music ministry. though my joy and thankfulness for involvement outweighed the times i took it for granted i know now how much more significant it was. i miss you all and hope that you are all still pushing hard and are thankful for the gifts and confidence God has blessed that team with. and on a broader scale i'm going to encourage you that if you know God don't take THAT for granted because the second you do, you may become something entirely different. it may cost you immensely in the qualities you misplace. if you want to talk to me about that personally, i know too well. there is nothing that excites me more here at school than kids who are fleeing bondage and are serious about finding God in their lives. i know that sounds strange and contrary to my dominant thoughts I've shared, but maybe that's evidence that God has somehow not completely forsaken me.

talk soon.
this is jimmy.