I wasn’t going to respond even though I agreed to last night (addressed to mom and dad) because I feel like I’ve explained everything so many times, but I’m in class right now typing and have nothing better to do, so here goes. And rather than email, I may as well inform all cause I have nothing to hide. I’m going to attempt to explain further where I am. I think I expanded in my last blog as to HOW I sort of got here but hopefully this is even more informative. For those of you who have sat down and listened this may be redundant, just to warn you.

So I experienced that slow and steady breakdown of failures and questions during the latter part of my walk. I was depressed and constantly tired because of the way I was consumed with my problems. Once I finally concluded that my approach to life was leaving me short of satisfaction I decided to take a step of faith…away from God. Now, because of the way I isolated myself from my peers in high and college I was “protected” from a great deal of things. Splendid right? What if I said not at all? I think that that caused damage in a lot of ways because rather than dealing with those things then, when I still had close and grounded friends, I’m dealing with them now when I’m more my own then ever, and free to make my own conclusions with less input from others compared to when we were younger. It also wreaked havoc on the way I saw people outside of church. In order to protect myself from “those terrible people and those terrible things” (that I actually wanted) I made them out to be completely foolish and dangerous.

I will try to breakdown some of the changes that have taken place since that turning point. Firstly I am happy. It would be utterly naïve as Christians to think you can’t live life without Christ – billions of people do it. Many of those people are messed the heck up but don’t pretend that many of those people aren’t doing well too. Not to mention the turmoil within the Christian community. I feel like faith is so subjective on both who you are and WHERE you are. There are countless other religions who all have real convictions and real feelings toward their God’s. Otherwise they wouldn’t go to such extreme lengths. People all over the world look at Christians and sincerely say to themselves “it’s a shame those people are so lost and confused” and then probably pray we get saved from our lies. We’re no different I think we were just presented a different “out” than them. If you spend enough time and thought and energy doing ANYthing it’s not that hard to buy in. So no wonder God requires us to be constantly in him and not of everything else. No wonder you go on a mission’s trip or to bible school or wherever excessive amounts of God are and you “feel God”. Then you come home to normality and lose him because you aren’t worshiping 3 times a day and praying for hours. It’s not that much of a stretch. Why are we right? Why are there people who have NEVER known God that are better by nearly every standard then handfuls of people who wear Christ’s name. God works in brokenness right? I tend to agree, except that instead of working when I was messed it fell apart in my weakness. Right now though, I’m self sufficient and satisfied with who I am. I think I treat people better in most cases even though I lack the compassion and patience I once did because, I’m not so focused on fixing and figuring me out. It gives me time and energy to look outward more at people and I’m free to engage them.

Another thing I should make clear is I still have standards; I still have morals. They are in many ways shaped by my family (which I am thankful for) but they are also very independent of my family and of God. I can’t tell you how liberating that is for me. I still want to be good in many senses, I still want to be successful and work hard, I still want to have intention towards things but my cause and reason for doing those things is for me. Yes me. Yes I’m selfish, so are you. Perhaps I’ve just embraced and accepted it more.

I really don’t think I’m in as rough shape as some people think. In fact, I think I’m in BETTER shape than most professed Christians. If God hates luke-warm Christians like he says in his word – that they be either hot or cold. Basically pick a side! – Then I am better off and here’s why. They have a manifested crutch that they some how think is fire insurance to get into heaven but they don’t know God, they don’t pay prices or get uncomfortable for God, and I don’t believe they are included on that NARROW narrow path. It is far more a justice to God to just be honest and say it like it is rather than pay your minimal dues so no one approaches you about. It’s better because then at least you recognize and are honest about who you are so you can address making change easier if that’s what you needed. Second, people like that are staining the name of God every single day and pissing people off for God’s kingdom ten times over than drawing people into His body. Screw that. I firmly believe I am where I am for a reason and a purpose. One way or another I will have closure. Either God will come after me, my choices will finally expose an empty and worthless life, or I will remain well and simply DIFFERENT. God will dictate what will happen.

Its interesting, I was talking to Zane (a leader here) for a few hours yesterday about all this and he pointed out that in fact I was doing all the things I’m doing now when I was a Christian but I’m no longer fighting them now in my freedom. I mean, I am in some respects fighting them but certainly far less. He didn’t have clear answers he wasn’t disappointed or discouraged. He has quite a story and he believes in people and their individual stories, which shape them. I think this is a stage. This is a season. Does it scare me? Yea sure it does sometimes. What if I find what I’m looking for and never have a fallout back to Christ? What if my desires and interests get out of control and actually cause some real damage; real consequences? But I’m trusting God, I guess, that he’ll make sense of this and deal with it accordingly. If that’s what it takes so be it. I’ll tell you right now though the timing isn’t right – no more right than if you were to approach a random person in Los Vegas and say “hey do you know Jesus cause I think you should RIGHT now, cool?” Good luck. They may get to a point where they are fertile and ready. God will provide someone for that in the right timing. I will either come back stronger and different and more convicted than before, or I will lose it entirely. And I’m okay with that. God is big enough for my doubts. God is big enough to get involved when the time is right. If not, then why bother?

I’m excited. I’m excited about lots of things, and I’m happy. You may be inclined to think less of me but I might encourage you not too.

If you have specific questions you can email them to me. Otherwise, consider ourselves informed.

Love you all.

I am Jimmy.