still home. still jobless. i'm trying, but i know i could be trying harder. i had a few interesting conversations tonite that sparked me into writing so late at night. the first one was with my best friend from out at school. he lives in tennesee. he has housing, a starting job (until i find something more ideal for myself) all availble and lined up for me to take the step out there. i just need to do my homework and figure out work visa's. and i want it, so i don't understand why i haven't worked on it yet. when i'm passionate about something i'm usually good with going after it. fitness is a good testament of that. talked to owen a bunch too. most people don't know or like him an awful lot and thats just cause he's different. he always was growing up around here. didn't get along great with people and just didn't feel like this was him here in leamington, so he took a step out in faith. he moved to calgary and is still there, loving it. him and i are strangely alike in many ways. so he's been showin me tough love these days reminding me that i'm stuck, and i'm rotting here in leamington. i'm crippled by my fear and depandance. i'm becoming the precise person i typically speak out against and pity - the person who is stagnant for the sake of comfort even if they know its not their best, or where their heart longs for. i constantly dream and hope to be a person who goes after what excites me. thats all i want. i want to be proactive and willing to step out for what i want, because the act of falling short in that is my best chance of finding regret. no one wants to look back on their life and wonder if they would have lived harder or more ambitious.
i'm realizing as i write and develope this thought that it counters my style of living. i'm implying that i would rather stumble and fail in chasing something grande, than play it safe, protecting myself, and remaining stable. that's just what i've done with my heart and soul. i've protected it at the cost of experiencing tremendous highs and lows. i'm stable. but i'll never experience the truest and purest joys in this state, that i used to know...all in the name of protecting myself from being hurt. and i'm fine with that right now. in another conversation with someone tonite, we were talking about all of this and they asked me "are the highs worth the lows?" i didn't even hesitate in responding yes. i wish i had done certain things differently, of course, but knowing God and his influence on me, and then knowing Jen and the impact that had on my life and heart, i couldn't possibly have answered that it wasn't worth it. even after what i ended up having to deal with. i was obviously surprised at my own response because it contradicts my cause and reasoning for the path i've chosen, right? absolutely. ignorance and distraction. thats the name of the game. this is just another proof. i'm avoiding what i know, to experience what i don't. it'll all be cause for an even more informed stance. perhaps a more positive one down the road. One where i'm capable of loving someone again.
i'm getting stuck. i'm scared. everyday brings me one more day closer to doing something very drastic to get out and shake things up. i need people, i need involvement, i need purpose and the opportunity to excel. i need positive and excited people around me who share in my interests. i need to capture and capitolize on this stage of my life. God help me, i hope it happens...i hope i make it happen.
J.R.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, May 31, 2009
i've been avoiding the big catchup post since i got home. kept putting it off but i decided i should start writing again even though i'm home. i know there are people who used to read this that aren't regularilly involved in my life.
first, it sucks transitioning from life in colorado. obviously the lifestyle, the activities, and the people are all so terribly different. i was always on the go there and around many people who were spontaneous and fun. its an abnormal life that is disconnected from reality in many ways when you're at bible school. so now i'm home and it just feels like so many people are "stuck". i don't blame them, i was very much there before i left too. you get into routines and habits and complacency and only hang around with the same few people. its comprimising, really. I guess some people like the predictable nature of that life but they look stuck. i'm trying to fight it but i don't know how well i'm doing. i've been avidly job hunting for a month and am still unemplyed. and i mean, i do 4 or 5 resumes a week at least. near the beginning of me getting home i did many more than that. i MIGHT get called for a job at GUESS (a designer clothing store) in Windsor this week but i'm not sure. other than that i have no solid leads. being jobless is problematic for a number of reasons. first, i can't settle down someplace because i don't know if i'm going to be at home or in windsor or wherever. i'd like to join some sport leagues, maybe a gym, and find ways to get involved and network but i can't commit to anywhere yet without work. then of course i'm trying to be as social as possible but EVERYthing costs money, so i'm crippled in many ways for that too. not to mention, most women aren't into men with no money and no job. it just takes the wind out of your sails when you're not moving forward financially toward goals n stuff ya know? so thats the job situation.
most people know this, but i went to florida shortly after i got home. i got hired with my cousin by someone we know to fly down to florida, load up a 25 foot penske truck with furniture and drive back home. all expenses paid, plus some comp. we mostly just drove and lifted furniture but we got one full day to ourselves where we went to sea world's water park and then dinner theatre in the evening. we had fun. it was an interesting experience.
i've been pretty active on the sporting front since i got home. been golfing a few times (i'm plainly in love with that sport), found a new and avid interest in tennis, been skateboarding with the remaining 3 or 4 guys around here who still do it, starting volleyball league next week, and i've already been fishing once this year. probably the best activity so far though was today when i was over at steve's. after we skated we went down to the lake to swim and make a fire. we spotted these huge logs though and did competitive caber tossing for prolly a half hour with the three of us. it was awesome. i took down this weeks competition. actually since we're on the subject, let me tell you about a father-son day i had yesterday. its actually rather funny. its saturday morning and i've got no plans until jake wiebe's big poker tournament that evening, so my dad's like "lets go to the driving range" cause my mom told him to spend more money on enjoying himself. we go hit a big bucket of balls while i'm tryin to give him pointers...it went well. after that he's like "some old dude in the church flys these remote controlled jets as a hobby and i guess they're doin it this afternoon at the Leamington Airport". i'm thinking the same thing as you......you're kidding me right? first of all, the leamington airport seems entirely like a joke to me in and of itself, and second i don't really wanna go see some old dudes with money and nothing better to do, fly these little RC planes around. i had nowhere to be, so i conceded. let me say this: this little jets are legit. many are worth 10,000 dollars or more, and can go speeds of up to 200mph. they do rolls, loops, fly upside down, do smoke trails, everything a stunt jet would do. we were standing behind one (they are a little smaller than a small pool table if you could picture that. 4-10 foot wingspan.) as it went out onto the runway and you could feel the wind and heat from this remote controlled, turbine driven jet. it was awesome. i don't think i could really get into it, but i was definitely impressed. after that we went and played tennis.
i got second in the poker tournament i just mentioned. i think we only had 22 players or something for this particular tournament which was a 25$ buy in. 2 of the 3 previous tournies like this one some no-name dude i didn't know took down the money who wasn't even necassarilly good but was honestly just hitting cards. i placed third in the last one. this tournament though the final three people were Jake Wiebe, Willie Wiebe, and Me. three credible players with a lot of experience. so i mean, it was a good finish and we all got in the money. man i love poker.
I'm just ITCHING to get on P90X. some of you have heard me talking about it but it seems most people don't know what it is. let me summerize it. Its a 90 in-home bootcamp, essentially. there are 12 different workouts (ex. chest&shoulders, Plyometrics, kempo X, arms&back, Yoga X...some are resistance training while others are mostly cardio) done during the course of 12 weeks. you do one every for an hour (and 3 of those days you do an Ab Ripper after the workout on top of that). so its intense. the fitness guide that comes with it is 50 pages long, and the nutrition guide is 150 pages (including recipes). so basically they give you the roadmap to get absolutely ripped, its up to you how hard and closely you wanna follow the program to arrive there. its pretty amazing. i have everything i need software wise (worth $140), but the problem is i have to buy resistance bands, some supplements, and a couple other accessories before i get started. and i don't have money. but i wanna make sure that when i start that i can do it right. so i'll keep everyone posted. i really wanna start it ASAP and do it during the course of the summer. i'll do before and afters n stuff.
i love my parents but i'm becoming more and more eager to get out. i'm 22, so its no wonder but i simply don't have the means to take that step right now. i at LEAST need employment. they are very gracious and patient but some distance, like in any relationship, goes a long way to help things. i want to have a smooth and functioning relationship but there is still this conflict of interest at times where they have leverage partly cause i live at home, and partly cause i owe them a boatload of money from this past year. again, they're real good about it, but it is what it is. i just wanna mooooveeee forward.
i'll try n write some more.
til later.
this has been J.R.
first, it sucks transitioning from life in colorado. obviously the lifestyle, the activities, and the people are all so terribly different. i was always on the go there and around many people who were spontaneous and fun. its an abnormal life that is disconnected from reality in many ways when you're at bible school. so now i'm home and it just feels like so many people are "stuck". i don't blame them, i was very much there before i left too. you get into routines and habits and complacency and only hang around with the same few people. its comprimising, really. I guess some people like the predictable nature of that life but they look stuck. i'm trying to fight it but i don't know how well i'm doing. i've been avidly job hunting for a month and am still unemplyed. and i mean, i do 4 or 5 resumes a week at least. near the beginning of me getting home i did many more than that. i MIGHT get called for a job at GUESS (a designer clothing store) in Windsor this week but i'm not sure. other than that i have no solid leads. being jobless is problematic for a number of reasons. first, i can't settle down someplace because i don't know if i'm going to be at home or in windsor or wherever. i'd like to join some sport leagues, maybe a gym, and find ways to get involved and network but i can't commit to anywhere yet without work. then of course i'm trying to be as social as possible but EVERYthing costs money, so i'm crippled in many ways for that too. not to mention, most women aren't into men with no money and no job. it just takes the wind out of your sails when you're not moving forward financially toward goals n stuff ya know? so thats the job situation.
most people know this, but i went to florida shortly after i got home. i got hired with my cousin by someone we know to fly down to florida, load up a 25 foot penske truck with furniture and drive back home. all expenses paid, plus some comp. we mostly just drove and lifted furniture but we got one full day to ourselves where we went to sea world's water park and then dinner theatre in the evening. we had fun. it was an interesting experience.
i've been pretty active on the sporting front since i got home. been golfing a few times (i'm plainly in love with that sport), found a new and avid interest in tennis, been skateboarding with the remaining 3 or 4 guys around here who still do it, starting volleyball league next week, and i've already been fishing once this year. probably the best activity so far though was today when i was over at steve's. after we skated we went down to the lake to swim and make a fire. we spotted these huge logs though and did competitive caber tossing for prolly a half hour with the three of us. it was awesome. i took down this weeks competition. actually since we're on the subject, let me tell you about a father-son day i had yesterday. its actually rather funny. its saturday morning and i've got no plans until jake wiebe's big poker tournament that evening, so my dad's like "lets go to the driving range" cause my mom told him to spend more money on enjoying himself. we go hit a big bucket of balls while i'm tryin to give him pointers...it went well. after that he's like "some old dude in the church flys these remote controlled jets as a hobby and i guess they're doin it this afternoon at the Leamington Airport". i'm thinking the same thing as you......you're kidding me right? first of all, the leamington airport seems entirely like a joke to me in and of itself, and second i don't really wanna go see some old dudes with money and nothing better to do, fly these little RC planes around. i had nowhere to be, so i conceded. let me say this: this little jets are legit. many are worth 10,000 dollars or more, and can go speeds of up to 200mph. they do rolls, loops, fly upside down, do smoke trails, everything a stunt jet would do. we were standing behind one (they are a little smaller than a small pool table if you could picture that. 4-10 foot wingspan.) as it went out onto the runway and you could feel the wind and heat from this remote controlled, turbine driven jet. it was awesome. i don't think i could really get into it, but i was definitely impressed. after that we went and played tennis.
i got second in the poker tournament i just mentioned. i think we only had 22 players or something for this particular tournament which was a 25$ buy in. 2 of the 3 previous tournies like this one some no-name dude i didn't know took down the money who wasn't even necassarilly good but was honestly just hitting cards. i placed third in the last one. this tournament though the final three people were Jake Wiebe, Willie Wiebe, and Me. three credible players with a lot of experience. so i mean, it was a good finish and we all got in the money. man i love poker.
I'm just ITCHING to get on P90X. some of you have heard me talking about it but it seems most people don't know what it is. let me summerize it. Its a 90 in-home bootcamp, essentially. there are 12 different workouts (ex. chest&shoulders, Plyometrics, kempo X, arms&back, Yoga X...some are resistance training while others are mostly cardio) done during the course of 12 weeks. you do one every for an hour (and 3 of those days you do an Ab Ripper after the workout on top of that). so its intense. the fitness guide that comes with it is 50 pages long, and the nutrition guide is 150 pages (including recipes). so basically they give you the roadmap to get absolutely ripped, its up to you how hard and closely you wanna follow the program to arrive there. its pretty amazing. i have everything i need software wise (worth $140), but the problem is i have to buy resistance bands, some supplements, and a couple other accessories before i get started. and i don't have money. but i wanna make sure that when i start that i can do it right. so i'll keep everyone posted. i really wanna start it ASAP and do it during the course of the summer. i'll do before and afters n stuff.
i love my parents but i'm becoming more and more eager to get out. i'm 22, so its no wonder but i simply don't have the means to take that step right now. i at LEAST need employment. they are very gracious and patient but some distance, like in any relationship, goes a long way to help things. i want to have a smooth and functioning relationship but there is still this conflict of interest at times where they have leverage partly cause i live at home, and partly cause i owe them a boatload of money from this past year. again, they're real good about it, but it is what it is. i just wanna mooooveeee forward.
i'll try n write some more.
til later.
this has been J.R.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Heeeyyy Yoouuu Guuyyysss...and then a rant at the end.
We had our last day of riding at Winter Park. I actually didn’t enjoy it that much cause we had just gotten about 35 inches of fresh powder. I’m not a big powder fan. Great day none the less, but at the end two students got their boards jacked. Kind of amazing having a few hundred bucks disappear like that. I might get one more day in of riding. I have to talk to Dan today to see if i can have Friday off and go riding in Denver area with Zane. I think he’ll let me since i’m leaving this coming weekend. We’re gunna get sushi too. Mm.
Jeph, i keep forgetting to respond to you on facebook so i’m gunna tell you right now in class while i’m thinking of it. I can’t go to that Jays game. I would love a little road trip upon my arrival, and then go to see the jays but 40 bucks is too steep. I’m in a serious bit of debt. Quite the little run they are on though huh?
Well, lots of exciting news about the Lions. I won’t bore you with it all, but the draft is this weekend! We have 8 picks, so our team is going to look ridiculously different by the time our roster is set. Two are in the first round and i think like 5 are in the top 100 picks. Lots of exciting highlights already though. The Lions have a new logo/brand to represent their new beginning. They also just finished a training camp type thing where they’re really starting to work on everything. Everyone has something to prove whether player or coach since most people are new. I’d be happy with .500 this year. Even if we pick up great talent there won’t necessarily be ideal chemistry that comes with experience playing with the same people or same coaches. We’re running new schemes with a new playbook, so everyone is learning tons right now. I think we should let go of the quarterback need for this year. Use our picks on talented players rather than a decent quarterback. Somehow i feel like Culpepper having had more time in Detroit now to prepare and play in their system, and also having his old offensive co-ordinator (who he was working with when he had his best ever season in Minnesota) now in Detroit, he might be able to produce this year. Apparently he’s lost at least 20 pounds or so too, so he’s looking lean and he’s working hard to be a competitive starter. it’s his last season on contract. Just wait until next year and pick up a franchise QB or something maybe. Whatever. Then if the year is a write-off play Stanton so he can get experience. He still deserves a chance in my books. He’s young but he’s got strengths, especially learning alongside such an old veteran. Great rusher too. Chuck, i can’t wait to watch games in your ballin new basement provided i’m still home at that point. My ping pong skills have climaxed...halftime might be as intense as the actual football game. You’ve been warned.
I’m excited to come home. People here are over-reacting. I guess that goes to show they value me and don’t want me gone but i recognize it’s beyond my wanting to remain here. It’s simply time, and that’s fine. There is lots to do and be excited for back home too. I’m still jobless and rather non-directional. That hunt will start immediately i’m sure. I really hope i can find something rewarding i can get excited about and work hard at. As of now i could see myself doing my last full-time semester of school in January. That, of course being subject to course availability and job situations but i wanna wrap it up soon. Other highlights include golfing plans with Jon and maybe some others, having poker nights again, being with family and my nephew, playing beach volleyball this summer, getting into a workout routine at home, and maybe look into musical opportunities. I’m still loosely holding onto that passion. Living arrangements could yet work out into something exciting too but that’s still rather vague.
One thing that scares me is something called reality. I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for my homecoming and how that will look much different from what’s required of me here in Colorado but i’m still unsure. I don’t have an awful lot of responsibility here and the consequences are more than tolerable. I’m going to try hard to stay positive and productive but i guess we’ll see. I also know that i’m susceptible to a countless buffet of addicting distractions back home. It’s not worth worrying about too much though and i feel good about my outlook on things including the realities of home. I have goals and dreams so if i keep those in mind then i will endure the means to arrive there.
We’re studying revelations right now. I didn’t go to class last night so i don’t have an opinion about it just yet. Interesting book though huh? Some of it is really neat while other parts are straight ridiculous. Most of that book is bound by interpretation. I should read it again. I could actually see myself reading the bible still but for different reasons. I want to be informed and educated if i’m going to talk about it. I’ve read through the new testament a few times, and I’ve studied or been reasonably exposed to maybe half of the old testament books, so i’m not operating on Sunday school stories when i talk about biblical things. That doesn’t mean i couldn’t afford to be sharper on it. I’m not very good with direct passages or bits of texts. Its more about understanding patterns and the nature of God’s people as well as God, and then talking about that on a broader scale. Maybe that’s safer in a lot of ways since it’s easy to take things out of context. I’m sure there is a place for both approaches and i am sure that i am dead wrong often enough. You’re gracious people though and not everything is certain. So a little opinion here and there never hurts.
I’ve said this before but it came up again in family group yesterday. The question asked was, “what’s one thing you have learned from God this year”. One of those things for me is just how severely my actions affect the people around me. I used to influence and inspire people in different ways during my involvement in the church. All the while that i was being reminded and encouraged of this though i was often depressed and exhausted. I struggled with many of the same things i do now but i simply “struggle” far less anymore. I don’t fear my choices and how they affect me, but it hurts me when it negatively affects people i love. You will never ever please everyone and at the point where you are pleasing the most people possible you will probably be miserable. So gauging how you are doing based on how happy people are isn’t always sound. If you aren’t happy you will be less effective in all that you do. I don’t regret anything so far. In fact, i don’t really see the value at all in regret. I may yet do some dumb things but as long as it makes sense and means a lot to me at the point i commit to it then why would i regret that? Looking back i may think to myself that i would never do that again knowing what i do now, but it’s already over...it is the past and it is unchangeable. It’s so simple but not enough people live by the fact that regret or fear or worry or lingering in dark places we’ve passed doesn’t accomplish a thing. The only good that can come of marginal choices or situations is learning how to respond to those things or help others in the future. So don’t stay there! If something bothers you that happened which could have went down different just think of where you were and what you were thinking when it happened. There was a bit of reasoning i’m sure when you decided to do what you did, so don’t stay in that place. Move and react to life in a way that represents your current true self, don’t dwell on what you once did out of a desire you once had. If i have negatively affected my relationship with any of you i am sorry. I realize it’s not likely since we don’t interact, but it could very well happen when i come home. I love you people, especially my family and close friends, and i would never intentionally jeopardize what we’ve got but I’ve seen instances around here of deteriorating relationships due to my ways. I’m not overly worried though. If something goes down we’ll work it out.
This is where it gets more dicey.
We had a discussion in class the other day on evangelism. Not surprisingly i got pretty wound up. Actually i ended up apologizing at the end of it explaining that i understood and agreed in part with nearly everyone’s comments, but my nature just loves to get people excited and thoughtful on challenging topics. As you would expect i’m going to share those thoughts. I started by asking Zane, who was teaching, how he would sum up our primary purpose that we serve here on earth based on the examples we observe through Jesus Christ and his Apostles throughout the new testament. Part of it is to simply learn about and know God and then to honour Him through our lives. coupled with that though, i think evangelising shares the same importance of our purpose if we’re living for God. The servants of Christ did a lot of teaching which is clearly shown through the letters that they write to the various churches but it wasn’t always about feeding the body of Christ. We are warned about absorbing all the time, like helpless children on milk who cannot contribute much of anything. God calls us to grow and function on whole foods so that we can nurture others into a saving knowledge of Christ. Getting lost and consumed with problems we have or things we struggle with can be easy. You can distort your focus on any number of things. I guess we could give credit to how cunning and subtle Satan is. As long as we keep the light on ourselves and whatever is going on, we are very ineffective toward furthering God’s kingdom. It’s not enough to just serve within the body of Christ. You hear it in churches that we need to get out of the church and reach our communities, which is great. Some do a better job than others when acting out on that. My point being that we’re not only to study and replicate Jesus’ character, we are to fully embrace beyond all reasoning the CAUSE of Christ. He came to save the lost. He spent time with thousands of people – some good, some not so good but he always presented them with the truth. He gave them an informed choice to make. He was relational but he was also unapologetic about the message he carried, which is the same message we carry. I wonder this...can you be a Christian with eternal security, and a right standing with God, if you are not spreading the gospel? I don’t think that “not swearing at work” is enough to say that you’re reaching the lost. I don’t think that listening to someone’s problem is spreading the gospel. Sure, acting different, loving on people and being available for their basic needs is part of ministering to them but without giving them the truth, they’re still going to hell!! You’ve simply been a nice person. It gets more complicated than that if we talk about planting seeds and not being over-bearing on people, it’s true, but the positive reaction or immediate salvation as a result of our news should not dictate whether or not it’s required of His servants to share that news! It’s controversial because every single one of us knows it’s terribly uncomfortable and difficult. We’d rather save face than save someone. Being blunt at the cost of how we’re viewed weighs heavily on the average person so we come up with any number of excuses or compromises of why this idea is arguable. “Well, i just don’t think that God gifted me with evangelism so i’m not sure that’s where i’m called to serve”, or “i don’t think it’s very effective when you force the message on people or offend them by sharing your own personal faith”. Jesus was ultimately murdered because of how honest and aggressive he was with His message. His disciples and the people who followed him were constantly scorned and persecuted, even sent to jail or killed because of it. Offending people is part of the package so quit hiding behind that. If the gospel has altered your life in any way, it should be important above all else. If you are passionate about who He is or what He’s done, you have a responsibility!! This is cliché but it says it very well: if you had the cure for cancer and knew you could save and drastically change the state of someone’s life, wouldn’t you tell them? Wouldn’t you help them!? Any person with a soul would probably give an enthusiastic “of course!” So if you think God can change lives and save them from a gnarly existence forever in fire, wouldn’t you get uncomfortable for that?!?! Maybe the conviction just isn’t severe enough. Maybe you’re not sure He’s got that cure, otherwise why wouldn’t you? I wonder, if we asked every individual in your church, or every student in my bible school class, or every kid in a youth group how many people they’ve lead to salvation...how do you think that would look? I bet it would be embarrassingly depressing. I know that the average Christian couldn’t even count one conversion. Yea, sure it’s not all about numbers but at some point it’s got to play a role in this. Instead of talking about how many people your church has, or how many people you’ve saved, what if we talked about the number of people going to hell that could have at least been presented with an informed choice, if only you had stepped up? This stuff is too important not to think of numbers in some sort of light. It was interesting to see the reactions in class as we worked through this topic. Some people were sort of silent and humbled while others got very defensive, maybe threatened by the challenge. Again, i’m going to say what i did in class once it sort of simmered down. I think that your life is the best tool you have to reach the lost. You are being watched, so your example is a significant voice in how people see Christians and you as an individual. Actions speak louder than words right? So i’m not trying to deny any of this, i’m just challenging the idea and saying that it’s not enough to avoid the responsibility and commission that we’ve been given. The way is narrow. The people who are holy and called God’s children i know are fewer than those who simply believe He exists. There HAS to be a real cost involved. Think about it. Otherwise you’re fooling yourself.
Love you.
See You So Soon.
Jimanez (Him-a-nezz).
Jeph, i keep forgetting to respond to you on facebook so i’m gunna tell you right now in class while i’m thinking of it. I can’t go to that Jays game. I would love a little road trip upon my arrival, and then go to see the jays but 40 bucks is too steep. I’m in a serious bit of debt. Quite the little run they are on though huh?
Well, lots of exciting news about the Lions. I won’t bore you with it all, but the draft is this weekend! We have 8 picks, so our team is going to look ridiculously different by the time our roster is set. Two are in the first round and i think like 5 are in the top 100 picks. Lots of exciting highlights already though. The Lions have a new logo/brand to represent their new beginning. They also just finished a training camp type thing where they’re really starting to work on everything. Everyone has something to prove whether player or coach since most people are new. I’d be happy with .500 this year. Even if we pick up great talent there won’t necessarily be ideal chemistry that comes with experience playing with the same people or same coaches. We’re running new schemes with a new playbook, so everyone is learning tons right now. I think we should let go of the quarterback need for this year. Use our picks on talented players rather than a decent quarterback. Somehow i feel like Culpepper having had more time in Detroit now to prepare and play in their system, and also having his old offensive co-ordinator (who he was working with when he had his best ever season in Minnesota) now in Detroit, he might be able to produce this year. Apparently he’s lost at least 20 pounds or so too, so he’s looking lean and he’s working hard to be a competitive starter. it’s his last season on contract. Just wait until next year and pick up a franchise QB or something maybe. Whatever. Then if the year is a write-off play Stanton so he can get experience. He still deserves a chance in my books. He’s young but he’s got strengths, especially learning alongside such an old veteran. Great rusher too. Chuck, i can’t wait to watch games in your ballin new basement provided i’m still home at that point. My ping pong skills have climaxed...halftime might be as intense as the actual football game. You’ve been warned.
I’m excited to come home. People here are over-reacting. I guess that goes to show they value me and don’t want me gone but i recognize it’s beyond my wanting to remain here. It’s simply time, and that’s fine. There is lots to do and be excited for back home too. I’m still jobless and rather non-directional. That hunt will start immediately i’m sure. I really hope i can find something rewarding i can get excited about and work hard at. As of now i could see myself doing my last full-time semester of school in January. That, of course being subject to course availability and job situations but i wanna wrap it up soon. Other highlights include golfing plans with Jon and maybe some others, having poker nights again, being with family and my nephew, playing beach volleyball this summer, getting into a workout routine at home, and maybe look into musical opportunities. I’m still loosely holding onto that passion. Living arrangements could yet work out into something exciting too but that’s still rather vague.
One thing that scares me is something called reality. I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for my homecoming and how that will look much different from what’s required of me here in Colorado but i’m still unsure. I don’t have an awful lot of responsibility here and the consequences are more than tolerable. I’m going to try hard to stay positive and productive but i guess we’ll see. I also know that i’m susceptible to a countless buffet of addicting distractions back home. It’s not worth worrying about too much though and i feel good about my outlook on things including the realities of home. I have goals and dreams so if i keep those in mind then i will endure the means to arrive there.
We’re studying revelations right now. I didn’t go to class last night so i don’t have an opinion about it just yet. Interesting book though huh? Some of it is really neat while other parts are straight ridiculous. Most of that book is bound by interpretation. I should read it again. I could actually see myself reading the bible still but for different reasons. I want to be informed and educated if i’m going to talk about it. I’ve read through the new testament a few times, and I’ve studied or been reasonably exposed to maybe half of the old testament books, so i’m not operating on Sunday school stories when i talk about biblical things. That doesn’t mean i couldn’t afford to be sharper on it. I’m not very good with direct passages or bits of texts. Its more about understanding patterns and the nature of God’s people as well as God, and then talking about that on a broader scale. Maybe that’s safer in a lot of ways since it’s easy to take things out of context. I’m sure there is a place for both approaches and i am sure that i am dead wrong often enough. You’re gracious people though and not everything is certain. So a little opinion here and there never hurts.
I’ve said this before but it came up again in family group yesterday. The question asked was, “what’s one thing you have learned from God this year”. One of those things for me is just how severely my actions affect the people around me. I used to influence and inspire people in different ways during my involvement in the church. All the while that i was being reminded and encouraged of this though i was often depressed and exhausted. I struggled with many of the same things i do now but i simply “struggle” far less anymore. I don’t fear my choices and how they affect me, but it hurts me when it negatively affects people i love. You will never ever please everyone and at the point where you are pleasing the most people possible you will probably be miserable. So gauging how you are doing based on how happy people are isn’t always sound. If you aren’t happy you will be less effective in all that you do. I don’t regret anything so far. In fact, i don’t really see the value at all in regret. I may yet do some dumb things but as long as it makes sense and means a lot to me at the point i commit to it then why would i regret that? Looking back i may think to myself that i would never do that again knowing what i do now, but it’s already over...it is the past and it is unchangeable. It’s so simple but not enough people live by the fact that regret or fear or worry or lingering in dark places we’ve passed doesn’t accomplish a thing. The only good that can come of marginal choices or situations is learning how to respond to those things or help others in the future. So don’t stay there! If something bothers you that happened which could have went down different just think of where you were and what you were thinking when it happened. There was a bit of reasoning i’m sure when you decided to do what you did, so don’t stay in that place. Move and react to life in a way that represents your current true self, don’t dwell on what you once did out of a desire you once had. If i have negatively affected my relationship with any of you i am sorry. I realize it’s not likely since we don’t interact, but it could very well happen when i come home. I love you people, especially my family and close friends, and i would never intentionally jeopardize what we’ve got but I’ve seen instances around here of deteriorating relationships due to my ways. I’m not overly worried though. If something goes down we’ll work it out.
This is where it gets more dicey.
We had a discussion in class the other day on evangelism. Not surprisingly i got pretty wound up. Actually i ended up apologizing at the end of it explaining that i understood and agreed in part with nearly everyone’s comments, but my nature just loves to get people excited and thoughtful on challenging topics. As you would expect i’m going to share those thoughts. I started by asking Zane, who was teaching, how he would sum up our primary purpose that we serve here on earth based on the examples we observe through Jesus Christ and his Apostles throughout the new testament. Part of it is to simply learn about and know God and then to honour Him through our lives. coupled with that though, i think evangelising shares the same importance of our purpose if we’re living for God. The servants of Christ did a lot of teaching which is clearly shown through the letters that they write to the various churches but it wasn’t always about feeding the body of Christ. We are warned about absorbing all the time, like helpless children on milk who cannot contribute much of anything. God calls us to grow and function on whole foods so that we can nurture others into a saving knowledge of Christ. Getting lost and consumed with problems we have or things we struggle with can be easy. You can distort your focus on any number of things. I guess we could give credit to how cunning and subtle Satan is. As long as we keep the light on ourselves and whatever is going on, we are very ineffective toward furthering God’s kingdom. It’s not enough to just serve within the body of Christ. You hear it in churches that we need to get out of the church and reach our communities, which is great. Some do a better job than others when acting out on that. My point being that we’re not only to study and replicate Jesus’ character, we are to fully embrace beyond all reasoning the CAUSE of Christ. He came to save the lost. He spent time with thousands of people – some good, some not so good but he always presented them with the truth. He gave them an informed choice to make. He was relational but he was also unapologetic about the message he carried, which is the same message we carry. I wonder this...can you be a Christian with eternal security, and a right standing with God, if you are not spreading the gospel? I don’t think that “not swearing at work” is enough to say that you’re reaching the lost. I don’t think that listening to someone’s problem is spreading the gospel. Sure, acting different, loving on people and being available for their basic needs is part of ministering to them but without giving them the truth, they’re still going to hell!! You’ve simply been a nice person. It gets more complicated than that if we talk about planting seeds and not being over-bearing on people, it’s true, but the positive reaction or immediate salvation as a result of our news should not dictate whether or not it’s required of His servants to share that news! It’s controversial because every single one of us knows it’s terribly uncomfortable and difficult. We’d rather save face than save someone. Being blunt at the cost of how we’re viewed weighs heavily on the average person so we come up with any number of excuses or compromises of why this idea is arguable. “Well, i just don’t think that God gifted me with evangelism so i’m not sure that’s where i’m called to serve”, or “i don’t think it’s very effective when you force the message on people or offend them by sharing your own personal faith”. Jesus was ultimately murdered because of how honest and aggressive he was with His message. His disciples and the people who followed him were constantly scorned and persecuted, even sent to jail or killed because of it. Offending people is part of the package so quit hiding behind that. If the gospel has altered your life in any way, it should be important above all else. If you are passionate about who He is or what He’s done, you have a responsibility!! This is cliché but it says it very well: if you had the cure for cancer and knew you could save and drastically change the state of someone’s life, wouldn’t you tell them? Wouldn’t you help them!? Any person with a soul would probably give an enthusiastic “of course!” So if you think God can change lives and save them from a gnarly existence forever in fire, wouldn’t you get uncomfortable for that?!?! Maybe the conviction just isn’t severe enough. Maybe you’re not sure He’s got that cure, otherwise why wouldn’t you? I wonder, if we asked every individual in your church, or every student in my bible school class, or every kid in a youth group how many people they’ve lead to salvation...how do you think that would look? I bet it would be embarrassingly depressing. I know that the average Christian couldn’t even count one conversion. Yea, sure it’s not all about numbers but at some point it’s got to play a role in this. Instead of talking about how many people your church has, or how many people you’ve saved, what if we talked about the number of people going to hell that could have at least been presented with an informed choice, if only you had stepped up? This stuff is too important not to think of numbers in some sort of light. It was interesting to see the reactions in class as we worked through this topic. Some people were sort of silent and humbled while others got very defensive, maybe threatened by the challenge. Again, i’m going to say what i did in class once it sort of simmered down. I think that your life is the best tool you have to reach the lost. You are being watched, so your example is a significant voice in how people see Christians and you as an individual. Actions speak louder than words right? So i’m not trying to deny any of this, i’m just challenging the idea and saying that it’s not enough to avoid the responsibility and commission that we’ve been given. The way is narrow. The people who are holy and called God’s children i know are fewer than those who simply believe He exists. There HAS to be a real cost involved. Think about it. Otherwise you’re fooling yourself.
Love you.
See You So Soon.
Jimanez (Him-a-nezz).
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
this one's kinda long
Near the beginning of the year we played volleyball once a week. Going into it we thought it was going to be a legitamite league with competitive nature which was ultimately exciting. Turns out it was barely pick-up where we ended up playing against one another. Gym volleyball is alright; lets you jump more effectively. It’s no beach volleryball though where you can play in shorts with sunglasses and jump around diving every single rally. If i do end up around home this summer (which is what everything seems to be pointing too) i’m gunna play in the windsor league again. We don’t play volleyball here anymore but we do play basketball once a week now. At first it was painful. I don’t know anything about basketball. Of all the mainstream sports that is easily one of my least played so i don’t know where to run or where to be. Its been 3 or 4 weeks now and i’ve shown drastic improvements. I can shoot better, but i still stay away from it when i can. I’ve learned to use size to my advantage so i play under the net the majority of the time. I’m told i’m very good at grabbin boards (rebounds). I think skateboarding helped me develope pretty good hops. I like being active, and i like expanding my skills and abilities into different things like this. Last night i got elbowed in the face by our 250 pound G.I. Joe cook. Split my lip open and made me dizzy for a good 10 seconds, but there is a lot of adrenaline involved. I didn’t know until a couple weeks ago either that basketball was so exhausting. I’ve got blisters inside of my blisters.
i dunno, i’m sure you’ve heard me rant on this before because its one of those hot topic buttons of mine. I don’t think i have on my blog however, and that topic is vegetarians. As far as i’m aware, i don’t have any vegetarian readers. Even if i did it wouldn’t change what i’m about to say i guess. Alright first we’ve the issue of WHY? Why would you ever be a vegetarian? For those who think that its cruel to kill animals and eat them, i hardly even want to respond to that. Its biblically based that that is the purpose and function of animals. Its absolute non sense to think its cruel in anyway, i’m not even going to elaborate. If those people think they are actually making a difference in the overall productin of meat related products i think thats embarresingly naive. Some people are raised that way because their parents were vegetarians. That makes sense to me. They probably weren’t exposed to meat and therefore never aquired a taste for it, and may have also inheritted their parents ideals about vegetarians. You know what i would relate this too, i’ve talked about it on here before. Thats the same as kids growing up in christian homes. It makes sense for them to aquire the position that they have. So my opinion on that instance? Understandable, but tragic. Another reason might be vegetarians think they are substantially healthier. Its true, eating what vegetarians do is often very healthy but protein and meat products are also very good for you in moderation! So having meat in your diet, but still having good dieting disciplines makes you that much more healthy. Meat is not unhealthy, so therefore vegetarians are not by default MORE healthy. They just eat more greens than the average person, which i agree is good. The problem with vegetarians for me is that they are very strong willed. They have heavily bound opinions and get defensive in most cases if confronted about it. Second, they expect the world to alter and function because of their exceptions. Why?! You’re the exception, so i don’t think you should be cattered too and expect to have a seperate meal made for you. They tend to be very picky too. Its not just a matter of having the absence of meat, its about having something suitable and pleasing for them, at least in much of my experience.
i’ve noticed a trend around here. People are becoming less content. The year is noteably changing and slowing down. We don’t have groups coming in anymore, we have less classes, the mountain is on its last leg but its still snowing, wet, or muddy enough so that you can’t do too much outdoors, so things are simply slowing down. Perhaps its people becoming bored and indifferent with this place and these people too. I’m guilty of that in part, but i’m still very happy. I think its normal at this stage. People i wouldn’t expect though just seem miserable around here and it sucks. The only thing i’m unhappy about is my training. I haven’t been running much due to the mud, and i haven’t been working out because i don’t like it, and because my shoulder is still sore. Everything else though is incredible. I spend too much time on my computer too. Its too easy and satisfying. Snowboarding is done, hockey is done, working out is on hiatus due to health, you can only play so many board games, and i don’t have a car. So its reasonably easy to justify. Its amazing how easy it is to slip into dependancy and complacency with those sorts of habits though, at least for me. I think i have an addictive nature but computer has always been an issue for me.
Randall had to share his testimony today in family group and it reminded me of something. Him and i have talked about it before of course but it simply reminded me. He has A.D.D. and did very poorly in school because of its effects. He had to take medicine (aderal) to control it. Whats interesting about this is i could relate far too well. Ever since i can remember i’ve been antsy, distracted, distinterested (even though i understand the weight and priority that school should provoke), and unable to excel in school. I want to suceed but i can’t retain my concentration in that setting of any sort. My mind races on anything but what is actually going on in class. I think of 100 other things i’d rather be doing, and i can justify my inaction without thinking twice. I simply wonder.......what if medical aid changed that. Randall described what it was like. He said that on the days he took his meds, his friends were always upset cause he was totally non-sociable. He didn’t eat properly. He wouldn’t make eye contact or interact normally, but he could stay on tasks easier than any other course of action. He even enjoyed it. He could do anything and focus if he were on these pills. So what if there were a more mild version of this type of stuff? I’d at least like to try it. I wouldn’t want at all to be dependant on it, but for times when my attention is critical on finishing a task or assignment it would be so nice if it helped. It has bothered me for a very long time, and i’ve thought far more than once that perhaps i actually have a treatable problem. I have the intellectual capacity i just can’t focus it. Maybe i’ll look into it when i come home.
thats it for updates. This is perhaps a poor intellectual tangent i’m about to embark on. One in which i’m sure i have repeated myself.
there is nothing that upsets me more than intolerant christianity. I don’t believe for a second that there is a clear cut answer or formula that devides those who do it right and those who waiver. Clearly some people contradict the bible and therefore lose credit in their stance, and then there are others who do not even attempt at all. But for those who wear the same name above their heads, its amazing how devisive it looks. I’ve got a thought that is a bit relevant. I’m not sure how well i’ll represent that thought but here is trying. I’m going to type a couple of verses from Isiah and then ask a few questions.
Isiah 58:10-11
if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
i don’t think this verse is an exception when it implies that we will be taken care of and we will be satisfied if we follow God’s ways, its simply an example. I’d even call that a major undercurrent throughout the bible. Well whats happening in this verse before the part that i quoted is that God’s people were doing all sorts of great works delighting in his presence, seeking his righteousness, finding awareness for the afflicted, and fasting but God calls em out. He says that even in these things they’re motive is ill. Somehow they’re still gettin it wrong even with the good intent and decent attempt at whats right. God corrects them directing them toward serving people who are poor, oppressed, and afflicted. Then if you are getting these things right then God’s promise is to have your back and ceaselessly fill your soul with what it needs. It’s nonsense. I’d argue the best thing we ever have going for us is intent. Sometimes people intend and don’t even try, but when you intend for the best and do what you can to follow through then how can that not be enough? God sent Christ because he knew we wouldn’t follow through, but what if we simply tried in whatever and all we knew of him? HOW is that not enough? These people in the beginning of the chapter were probably doing whatever they knew to be good and pleasing to God but simply fell short of his perfection...no kidding. So now then the promise of soul related abundance. We all know that christ followers do not always feel what they believe. That would be a terribly fickle faith if we operated on emotion alone, but what if you genuinely did not feel God’s presence or leading in your life but you were doing everything that you knew how. You were taking action against your weaknesses, you were investing time into God, and you were trying not to operate under your own strength pleaing for God to fuel your restoration. What if you didn’t feel like a well-watered garden even then? Is that God lying, or is that you just not getting it right? First, i don’t know how God could shoot that down but second, wouldn’t the alternative point toward works? If you weren’t getting it right and didn’t feel that promise fulfilled you would try to become devout to the things God instructed you to do so that you might make the cut. This makes it more like a checklist of deeds to gain his favour. Its kind of a rabbit hole in my mind. To step away from this thought directly but to take a bit more of a broad look at it, where the hell is the line between works and faith? Action and inaction? Our own strength or our own weakness? Intellect or emotion? Where are we safe from his judgement? It seems like if you take things into your own hands, take action, and do whatever is in your capacity people call you out on not including or depending on God. If you stand by praying though and expecting God to let everything fall into place then one of two things happen, either you’re considered lazy and abusive of what God actually promised us, or you run into conflict and division on who has more faith? God is capable of anything, so taking a chance on God showing up by not jumping all over whatever is in our power or grasp on the situation shows faith. Sometimes we wonder why we don’t see miracles like we read in the bible, or like we hear about in third world countries. The concensus is that we simply don’t take the same chances on God that they do. We don’t give him enough room to work out those miracles; we don’t set ourselves up for the miraculous in the same ways, so wouldn’t that mean being more inactive and more faith-filled? Letting God do his thang? I know there is a balance but none of us probably know or understand exactly where it is, and yet we constantly call people out or talk about them and the way their approach is skewed. Man, i can’t stress enough how DIFFERENT people are and how okay that is. I don’t know the answer but i know i’m happy. I know a lot of churched people who “know the answer” but are rather undesirable to be around. I forget, i think a wrote a blog about the day after Spencer Rogers and I gave our testimonies. They were not religeously positive messages but they were insightful, at least mine was. I know because of the questions and comments people had for me days after the fact. This whole thought all leads back and relates to what happened that morning though as people responded and assumed things about who we were or what we were doing when we were working out our salvation. You don’t know. Even if you know a person very well you still do not know the depths of their heart and the things it cries for on restless nights. I was very worked up as a result of those discussions, needless to say. I loved most of it because i’m not afraid to engage anyone in it, but it sure can get me excited beyond my more sensitive moods.
sorry that all felt terribly scattered and non-directional. Its hard to stop when you get me going on that type of thing though.
I rest that thought, and i hope the best on every one of you. Be the best version of yourself that you know how.
J.R. Whitfield
i dunno, i’m sure you’ve heard me rant on this before because its one of those hot topic buttons of mine. I don’t think i have on my blog however, and that topic is vegetarians. As far as i’m aware, i don’t have any vegetarian readers. Even if i did it wouldn’t change what i’m about to say i guess. Alright first we’ve the issue of WHY? Why would you ever be a vegetarian? For those who think that its cruel to kill animals and eat them, i hardly even want to respond to that. Its biblically based that that is the purpose and function of animals. Its absolute non sense to think its cruel in anyway, i’m not even going to elaborate. If those people think they are actually making a difference in the overall productin of meat related products i think thats embarresingly naive. Some people are raised that way because their parents were vegetarians. That makes sense to me. They probably weren’t exposed to meat and therefore never aquired a taste for it, and may have also inheritted their parents ideals about vegetarians. You know what i would relate this too, i’ve talked about it on here before. Thats the same as kids growing up in christian homes. It makes sense for them to aquire the position that they have. So my opinion on that instance? Understandable, but tragic. Another reason might be vegetarians think they are substantially healthier. Its true, eating what vegetarians do is often very healthy but protein and meat products are also very good for you in moderation! So having meat in your diet, but still having good dieting disciplines makes you that much more healthy. Meat is not unhealthy, so therefore vegetarians are not by default MORE healthy. They just eat more greens than the average person, which i agree is good. The problem with vegetarians for me is that they are very strong willed. They have heavily bound opinions and get defensive in most cases if confronted about it. Second, they expect the world to alter and function because of their exceptions. Why?! You’re the exception, so i don’t think you should be cattered too and expect to have a seperate meal made for you. They tend to be very picky too. Its not just a matter of having the absence of meat, its about having something suitable and pleasing for them, at least in much of my experience.
i’ve noticed a trend around here. People are becoming less content. The year is noteably changing and slowing down. We don’t have groups coming in anymore, we have less classes, the mountain is on its last leg but its still snowing, wet, or muddy enough so that you can’t do too much outdoors, so things are simply slowing down. Perhaps its people becoming bored and indifferent with this place and these people too. I’m guilty of that in part, but i’m still very happy. I think its normal at this stage. People i wouldn’t expect though just seem miserable around here and it sucks. The only thing i’m unhappy about is my training. I haven’t been running much due to the mud, and i haven’t been working out because i don’t like it, and because my shoulder is still sore. Everything else though is incredible. I spend too much time on my computer too. Its too easy and satisfying. Snowboarding is done, hockey is done, working out is on hiatus due to health, you can only play so many board games, and i don’t have a car. So its reasonably easy to justify. Its amazing how easy it is to slip into dependancy and complacency with those sorts of habits though, at least for me. I think i have an addictive nature but computer has always been an issue for me.
Randall had to share his testimony today in family group and it reminded me of something. Him and i have talked about it before of course but it simply reminded me. He has A.D.D. and did very poorly in school because of its effects. He had to take medicine (aderal) to control it. Whats interesting about this is i could relate far too well. Ever since i can remember i’ve been antsy, distracted, distinterested (even though i understand the weight and priority that school should provoke), and unable to excel in school. I want to suceed but i can’t retain my concentration in that setting of any sort. My mind races on anything but what is actually going on in class. I think of 100 other things i’d rather be doing, and i can justify my inaction without thinking twice. I simply wonder.......what if medical aid changed that. Randall described what it was like. He said that on the days he took his meds, his friends were always upset cause he was totally non-sociable. He didn’t eat properly. He wouldn’t make eye contact or interact normally, but he could stay on tasks easier than any other course of action. He even enjoyed it. He could do anything and focus if he were on these pills. So what if there were a more mild version of this type of stuff? I’d at least like to try it. I wouldn’t want at all to be dependant on it, but for times when my attention is critical on finishing a task or assignment it would be so nice if it helped. It has bothered me for a very long time, and i’ve thought far more than once that perhaps i actually have a treatable problem. I have the intellectual capacity i just can’t focus it. Maybe i’ll look into it when i come home.
thats it for updates. This is perhaps a poor intellectual tangent i’m about to embark on. One in which i’m sure i have repeated myself.
there is nothing that upsets me more than intolerant christianity. I don’t believe for a second that there is a clear cut answer or formula that devides those who do it right and those who waiver. Clearly some people contradict the bible and therefore lose credit in their stance, and then there are others who do not even attempt at all. But for those who wear the same name above their heads, its amazing how devisive it looks. I’ve got a thought that is a bit relevant. I’m not sure how well i’ll represent that thought but here is trying. I’m going to type a couple of verses from Isiah and then ask a few questions.
Isiah 58:10-11
if you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.
i don’t think this verse is an exception when it implies that we will be taken care of and we will be satisfied if we follow God’s ways, its simply an example. I’d even call that a major undercurrent throughout the bible. Well whats happening in this verse before the part that i quoted is that God’s people were doing all sorts of great works delighting in his presence, seeking his righteousness, finding awareness for the afflicted, and fasting but God calls em out. He says that even in these things they’re motive is ill. Somehow they’re still gettin it wrong even with the good intent and decent attempt at whats right. God corrects them directing them toward serving people who are poor, oppressed, and afflicted. Then if you are getting these things right then God’s promise is to have your back and ceaselessly fill your soul with what it needs. It’s nonsense. I’d argue the best thing we ever have going for us is intent. Sometimes people intend and don’t even try, but when you intend for the best and do what you can to follow through then how can that not be enough? God sent Christ because he knew we wouldn’t follow through, but what if we simply tried in whatever and all we knew of him? HOW is that not enough? These people in the beginning of the chapter were probably doing whatever they knew to be good and pleasing to God but simply fell short of his perfection...no kidding. So now then the promise of soul related abundance. We all know that christ followers do not always feel what they believe. That would be a terribly fickle faith if we operated on emotion alone, but what if you genuinely did not feel God’s presence or leading in your life but you were doing everything that you knew how. You were taking action against your weaknesses, you were investing time into God, and you were trying not to operate under your own strength pleaing for God to fuel your restoration. What if you didn’t feel like a well-watered garden even then? Is that God lying, or is that you just not getting it right? First, i don’t know how God could shoot that down but second, wouldn’t the alternative point toward works? If you weren’t getting it right and didn’t feel that promise fulfilled you would try to become devout to the things God instructed you to do so that you might make the cut. This makes it more like a checklist of deeds to gain his favour. Its kind of a rabbit hole in my mind. To step away from this thought directly but to take a bit more of a broad look at it, where the hell is the line between works and faith? Action and inaction? Our own strength or our own weakness? Intellect or emotion? Where are we safe from his judgement? It seems like if you take things into your own hands, take action, and do whatever is in your capacity people call you out on not including or depending on God. If you stand by praying though and expecting God to let everything fall into place then one of two things happen, either you’re considered lazy and abusive of what God actually promised us, or you run into conflict and division on who has more faith? God is capable of anything, so taking a chance on God showing up by not jumping all over whatever is in our power or grasp on the situation shows faith. Sometimes we wonder why we don’t see miracles like we read in the bible, or like we hear about in third world countries. The concensus is that we simply don’t take the same chances on God that they do. We don’t give him enough room to work out those miracles; we don’t set ourselves up for the miraculous in the same ways, so wouldn’t that mean being more inactive and more faith-filled? Letting God do his thang? I know there is a balance but none of us probably know or understand exactly where it is, and yet we constantly call people out or talk about them and the way their approach is skewed. Man, i can’t stress enough how DIFFERENT people are and how okay that is. I don’t know the answer but i know i’m happy. I know a lot of churched people who “know the answer” but are rather undesirable to be around. I forget, i think a wrote a blog about the day after Spencer Rogers and I gave our testimonies. They were not religeously positive messages but they were insightful, at least mine was. I know because of the questions and comments people had for me days after the fact. This whole thought all leads back and relates to what happened that morning though as people responded and assumed things about who we were or what we were doing when we were working out our salvation. You don’t know. Even if you know a person very well you still do not know the depths of their heart and the things it cries for on restless nights. I was very worked up as a result of those discussions, needless to say. I loved most of it because i’m not afraid to engage anyone in it, but it sure can get me excited beyond my more sensitive moods.
sorry that all felt terribly scattered and non-directional. Its hard to stop when you get me going on that type of thing though.
I rest that thought, and i hope the best on every one of you. Be the best version of yourself that you know how.
J.R. Whitfield
Friday, April 10, 2009
homecoming
i went snowboarding for the first time in about five weeks. it was 50 degrees so there was abundant amounts of slush. i don't really care anymore about snowboarding. the year is winding down, and the mountain is only open for about another week or so. i'm not bent on lockin down some new hard trick this late in the season, i only ever get hurt. some people finally coaxed me into going today even though i wasn't that interested. they promised we could go and get treats after at seven eleven, so that clinched it for me. surprisingly after that long of a period i stepped right back into my comfort zone. the problem with me is that i can't just take it easy. its very difficult to stay within my means because i see other people pushin it, and i wanna make my mark too so i end up throwin up unrealistic airs. i tried a rodeo today in the park and sort of jacked up my shoulder. nothing too serious but its really difficult to lift. actually, after last nights sleep its much more sore. might be a minor sprain or something. after that i decided to lay off inverts for the day (i had planted a front flip earlier, which are easier for me). i threw one or two 540 attempts, i knew i could do it but it wasn't workin out clean. so near the end i threw one up but was sittin backseat a little too heavy and i under-rotated 90 degrees. i do them backside so that means the last rotation is blind. i landed on the knuckle straight on my heel edge, pitched it back onto the landing and smacked my head real good. i didn't lose conciousness or forget where i was, so it couldn't have been that bad. just a sizeable headache. shook me up. didn't surprise me. i'm fine. but its just a nuissance.
my lil buddy hunter is doing great from what i hear. he's still just a munchkin that can't do much i don't think. he'll be 3 or 4 months by the time i finally see him. probably works out best that way since i don't like fresh babies. give em a few months to develope physical characteristics and i'll warm up to em. i'm still pretty sure i'll be attracted to this little dude more than the average baby i encounter though. me n him are gunna go goooolf someday, i'll teach em to skateboard, we'll play video games, go fishing, play all kinds of sports i'm sure...whatever else, i don't even know. that'll be cool by the time he can do that stuff though. since i won't have kids i'm sure i'll still be active and fit enough to keep up with the kid. i've got a fairly avid ambition to be a good uncle, and i think that staying single will allow me to relate and stay relevant easier. i'll probably get into as much trouble with mom and dad cornies than Hunter will when i hang out with em. hah.
sometimes i wish that i could play music in a more mainstream and functional manner. i would need another person though. i'm confident in my ability to learn music, and i'm confident enough now perhaps in my voice but not by myself. i don't like the music i write for starters, and i get bored with my guitar ability too. if i had another person though to help write, and then carry the music with me in a creative way so that even simplicity would become more appealing and impressive, and then of course throwin in some harmonies or lead some of the songs too? that could be a lot of fun. not much money in it, but you can't buy an experience like that.
i'm goin to a baseball game this weekend. one of the staff here (murdoch) is the most intense sports fanatic i've probably ever met. he's a phillies fan. they won the world series last season. it was crazy around here while the playoffs were going down. the 2009 season just started and the phillies are about to enter a series against the colorado rockies. murdoch got like 12 tickets, so a bunch of us are goin down there and sittin in "the rock pile" at mile high stadium. tix were like 4 bucks. i feel guilty but i've actually been moderately excited about baseball. i discovered that i actually know about 70 percent of the tigers players. top four teams would go as follows...tigers, rockies, jays then phillies. betting on games for free through centsports goes a long way. its not much, but being invested in the outcome helps. and i like how it keeps me on top of whatever league is going on. i knew who was good and who wasn't in every mainstream professional sport this past year. its a good social tool to be aware of whats going on in sports. no matter what sport someone is partial too, you will be at least reasonably informed about it to carry a conversation, or stear educated questions toward them so they can take over and lead through the response. breaks down barriers quick.
you are probably all aware of my legal complications being here in america. i have to be out of the country by april 30th. my options are to either get all my documentation assembled on short notice, drive to denver, and then talk to an official pleaing for them to have mercy and give me an extension. they aren't very tolerant or sympathetic people so to go to all that work and still likely have thrown in my face? its not really my first choice. option two is to fly home before the end of april, and then drive out for the last couple weeks, pack up and then head home. we're not sure though if they will let me back in when i try to drive back, since i had been in america for so long and that it had only been a few days or whatever. so i'm risking spending more money to get home, and then having to ship all my stuff back and costing me even more. the last option is to just go home early, period and thats what we're leaning toward. i'm hopin that my mom and sister will road trip 'er out here, i'd love to spend some time with them. i know it'll all work out, even coming home early. i'll find a job or some opportunity will arise because of how this is playing out. i can't get stressed and start to panic because i'm not in control at the moment.
i'll keep ya posted.
J.R. Whitfield
my lil buddy hunter is doing great from what i hear. he's still just a munchkin that can't do much i don't think. he'll be 3 or 4 months by the time i finally see him. probably works out best that way since i don't like fresh babies. give em a few months to develope physical characteristics and i'll warm up to em. i'm still pretty sure i'll be attracted to this little dude more than the average baby i encounter though. me n him are gunna go goooolf someday, i'll teach em to skateboard, we'll play video games, go fishing, play all kinds of sports i'm sure...whatever else, i don't even know. that'll be cool by the time he can do that stuff though. since i won't have kids i'm sure i'll still be active and fit enough to keep up with the kid. i've got a fairly avid ambition to be a good uncle, and i think that staying single will allow me to relate and stay relevant easier. i'll probably get into as much trouble with mom and dad cornies than Hunter will when i hang out with em. hah.
sometimes i wish that i could play music in a more mainstream and functional manner. i would need another person though. i'm confident in my ability to learn music, and i'm confident enough now perhaps in my voice but not by myself. i don't like the music i write for starters, and i get bored with my guitar ability too. if i had another person though to help write, and then carry the music with me in a creative way so that even simplicity would become more appealing and impressive, and then of course throwin in some harmonies or lead some of the songs too? that could be a lot of fun. not much money in it, but you can't buy an experience like that.
i'm goin to a baseball game this weekend. one of the staff here (murdoch) is the most intense sports fanatic i've probably ever met. he's a phillies fan. they won the world series last season. it was crazy around here while the playoffs were going down. the 2009 season just started and the phillies are about to enter a series against the colorado rockies. murdoch got like 12 tickets, so a bunch of us are goin down there and sittin in "the rock pile" at mile high stadium. tix were like 4 bucks. i feel guilty but i've actually been moderately excited about baseball. i discovered that i actually know about 70 percent of the tigers players. top four teams would go as follows...tigers, rockies, jays then phillies. betting on games for free through centsports goes a long way. its not much, but being invested in the outcome helps. and i like how it keeps me on top of whatever league is going on. i knew who was good and who wasn't in every mainstream professional sport this past year. its a good social tool to be aware of whats going on in sports. no matter what sport someone is partial too, you will be at least reasonably informed about it to carry a conversation, or stear educated questions toward them so they can take over and lead through the response. breaks down barriers quick.
you are probably all aware of my legal complications being here in america. i have to be out of the country by april 30th. my options are to either get all my documentation assembled on short notice, drive to denver, and then talk to an official pleaing for them to have mercy and give me an extension. they aren't very tolerant or sympathetic people so to go to all that work and still likely have thrown in my face? its not really my first choice. option two is to fly home before the end of april, and then drive out for the last couple weeks, pack up and then head home. we're not sure though if they will let me back in when i try to drive back, since i had been in america for so long and that it had only been a few days or whatever. so i'm risking spending more money to get home, and then having to ship all my stuff back and costing me even more. the last option is to just go home early, period and thats what we're leaning toward. i'm hopin that my mom and sister will road trip 'er out here, i'd love to spend some time with them. i know it'll all work out, even coming home early. i'll find a job or some opportunity will arise because of how this is playing out. i can't get stressed and start to panic because i'm not in control at the moment.
i'll keep ya posted.
J.R. Whitfield
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
dream on dreamer
I'm sorry about that last post. hopefully only few of you read. if you don't know what i'm talking about its because i deleted it. all is well on that subject. its been as resolved as it will ever be and i have peace about it. so fear not for me or for those others who are involved.
i'm doing great.
i'm trying to transition to a lighter topic, but first i want to encourage you. think of what you're thankful for. your wife? your health? your intellegence that allows you to earn money and function well? your passions? really think about it today or whenever you read this. maybe you have exams going on, or some stupid deadlines or crap to clean up at work...before you focus in and become single minded on the various trials in your life, take a step back and think of what you have. I'm thankful for my parents and my family. i'm thankful for this past year. i'm thankful for my strengths and weaknesses, and the way that i was made. i'm thankful for dreams and opportunities, and the freedom to go after what you want. i don't think any of us are fighting wars, we're not faced with a terminal desease, we're not starving or handicapped, we are blessed. take a moment today and remember that.
I got thinking about some of my dreams. they're a bit silly and i doubt you relate to them all, but i love thinking about it.
I seriously miss golf. maybe even more than that i miss what golf represents. getting away on a Sunday afternoon with a few good friends, sippin on an extremely over-priced Ale, and maybe pullin on a very cheap cigar. hah. so high school. i remember i used to sometimes bring speakers out with me and put it in the cart so that we could listen to some peaceful instrumental music as we went, just to add to the significance. I loved golfing with friends, but i loved golfing by myself too when i used to work at the golf course. i would go out in the evenings during the week when it was pretty slow or i would go off the back nine if it was slower back there. i would throw on some worship or peaceful music, and just go after it by myself. it was such a positive escape. i would finish nine holes in a clean 60 minutes, no problem. on some occasions i wouldn't even take off my bag from my back. i would just walk up on the green, withdraw my appropriate weapon and finish up. i'd never keep a scorecard but just keep track with +/- scores in my head. i loved it.
my dream someday is to play in a league with many friends while drinking better beers and smoother ciagrs. I'd have a great set of clubs, whatever set I'd like. I would walk sometimes cause i like the excercise, but i feel like it affects my game, so I'd play often with carts. i'm not talkin just any course. i wanna someday be a member of a private course where the carts have GPS systems in them with a course layout and indicates exact distances to the hole and other relevant information. I'd get free range access, free club cleaning, an amazing clubhouse, incredible service...i'd love to be a part of that community. Golf is just such a gentleman's sport. you dress well, you tuck in your shirts, you treat the game and the people with proper etiquite. most of us who have played golf think immediately, "yea but those people are all pricks from what i've observed". I think they mostly just think that of kids. we're not kids anymore, and I'm a respectable golf player, not a hack. you're in paradise on the course, so why be upset about anything?! i'd do what i could too associate myself with positive groups.
actually i kind of miss sports in general. i wish i had hit puberty earlier so i would have been more involved in sports when i grew up. i'm thankful i played baseball, and i know my parents tried to put me in hockey and stuff but i hated it. i wouldn't have made it anyways so i guess its no biggie. but i wanna join some pick up hockey when i get home, and playing beach volleyball in a league would be primp too.
I'd also love to join a top of the line gym. the kind of gym with a spa in it...and massages! I think it'd be really cool to be in some yoga classes to increase flexibility/range of motion and strengthen your core. it might also be sweet to do like, some boxing related stuff. you stay in really good shape doing that, plus, its pretty masculine. it would be a super clean gym, have the best equipment, have a sweet protein shake bar on site to sit and have one afterward. it would have a pool too. apperently swimming is one of the best thing you can do for yourself in terms of cardio because its utterly exhausting and there isn't the impact on your knees and back like running. it's a great social network too. you meet tons of cool people, and they would be disciplined people who are concious of their fitness too.
this one won't connect with many of you, but it sort of runs in my veins. i want to play high stakes poker, and have it be within my means based on my bankroll. as well it would be a dream come true to someday play in the World Series of Poker. some of you like poker, some of you could care less, but for whatever reason i LOVE poker. its a dangerous passion. i haven't really gotten into trouble with it yet. the other problem is that i know i can win. i wish i would have kept track of all my winnings and losses on the computer or something, but i know i probably netted a couple grande over the entire course of my poker experience. anyways. someday maybe you'll see me on ESPN at the final table.
I want to be a season ticket owner of a professional sports team. i don't really care about most sports except for football. the rest i'm kind of indifferent, like, i would go to and watch any of them but i don't know if i could regularilly go to and follow games. problem is, Canada doesn't have any professional football teams so I'd have to live in Windsor to make it work. but how sweet would that be? get season tickets for a box seat in ford field? it's a gorgeous facility. you'd get served food, it has a bar right in it, comfy spacious seating, internet and t.v.'s in the box to keep up on stats or replays and stuff on demand. that would be BALLIN. why do i get the feeling that life requires a more realistic take on things than what i've been mentioning? i don't know why i think that because i know its totally possible to acheive and attain whatever it is you're passionate about. I'm not certain how to get there. i just took a year off. i have a skill set in business i guess but i don't have a foundation for a career, i'm sort of just floundering. i'm assuming the answer is simply action and amazingly hard work. dad, any of those things i just mentioned would be an awesome common ground for you and i! i know you like golf. you've always appreciated it, you just need some practice or lessons. i know you appreciate your health, you're generally quite active. i know you love sports...maybe i could teach you how to indulge a bit more somewhere down the road. hehe.
J.R.
i'm doing great.
i'm trying to transition to a lighter topic, but first i want to encourage you. think of what you're thankful for. your wife? your health? your intellegence that allows you to earn money and function well? your passions? really think about it today or whenever you read this. maybe you have exams going on, or some stupid deadlines or crap to clean up at work...before you focus in and become single minded on the various trials in your life, take a step back and think of what you have. I'm thankful for my parents and my family. i'm thankful for this past year. i'm thankful for my strengths and weaknesses, and the way that i was made. i'm thankful for dreams and opportunities, and the freedom to go after what you want. i don't think any of us are fighting wars, we're not faced with a terminal desease, we're not starving or handicapped, we are blessed. take a moment today and remember that.
I got thinking about some of my dreams. they're a bit silly and i doubt you relate to them all, but i love thinking about it.
I seriously miss golf. maybe even more than that i miss what golf represents. getting away on a Sunday afternoon with a few good friends, sippin on an extremely over-priced Ale, and maybe pullin on a very cheap cigar. hah. so high school. i remember i used to sometimes bring speakers out with me and put it in the cart so that we could listen to some peaceful instrumental music as we went, just to add to the significance. I loved golfing with friends, but i loved golfing by myself too when i used to work at the golf course. i would go out in the evenings during the week when it was pretty slow or i would go off the back nine if it was slower back there. i would throw on some worship or peaceful music, and just go after it by myself. it was such a positive escape. i would finish nine holes in a clean 60 minutes, no problem. on some occasions i wouldn't even take off my bag from my back. i would just walk up on the green, withdraw my appropriate weapon and finish up. i'd never keep a scorecard but just keep track with +/- scores in my head. i loved it.
my dream someday is to play in a league with many friends while drinking better beers and smoother ciagrs. I'd have a great set of clubs, whatever set I'd like. I would walk sometimes cause i like the excercise, but i feel like it affects my game, so I'd play often with carts. i'm not talkin just any course. i wanna someday be a member of a private course where the carts have GPS systems in them with a course layout and indicates exact distances to the hole and other relevant information. I'd get free range access, free club cleaning, an amazing clubhouse, incredible service...i'd love to be a part of that community. Golf is just such a gentleman's sport. you dress well, you tuck in your shirts, you treat the game and the people with proper etiquite. most of us who have played golf think immediately, "yea but those people are all pricks from what i've observed". I think they mostly just think that of kids. we're not kids anymore, and I'm a respectable golf player, not a hack. you're in paradise on the course, so why be upset about anything?! i'd do what i could too associate myself with positive groups.
actually i kind of miss sports in general. i wish i had hit puberty earlier so i would have been more involved in sports when i grew up. i'm thankful i played baseball, and i know my parents tried to put me in hockey and stuff but i hated it. i wouldn't have made it anyways so i guess its no biggie. but i wanna join some pick up hockey when i get home, and playing beach volleyball in a league would be primp too.
I'd also love to join a top of the line gym. the kind of gym with a spa in it...and massages! I think it'd be really cool to be in some yoga classes to increase flexibility/range of motion and strengthen your core. it might also be sweet to do like, some boxing related stuff. you stay in really good shape doing that, plus, its pretty masculine. it would be a super clean gym, have the best equipment, have a sweet protein shake bar on site to sit and have one afterward. it would have a pool too. apperently swimming is one of the best thing you can do for yourself in terms of cardio because its utterly exhausting and there isn't the impact on your knees and back like running. it's a great social network too. you meet tons of cool people, and they would be disciplined people who are concious of their fitness too.
this one won't connect with many of you, but it sort of runs in my veins. i want to play high stakes poker, and have it be within my means based on my bankroll. as well it would be a dream come true to someday play in the World Series of Poker. some of you like poker, some of you could care less, but for whatever reason i LOVE poker. its a dangerous passion. i haven't really gotten into trouble with it yet. the other problem is that i know i can win. i wish i would have kept track of all my winnings and losses on the computer or something, but i know i probably netted a couple grande over the entire course of my poker experience. anyways. someday maybe you'll see me on ESPN at the final table.
I want to be a season ticket owner of a professional sports team. i don't really care about most sports except for football. the rest i'm kind of indifferent, like, i would go to and watch any of them but i don't know if i could regularilly go to and follow games. problem is, Canada doesn't have any professional football teams so I'd have to live in Windsor to make it work. but how sweet would that be? get season tickets for a box seat in ford field? it's a gorgeous facility. you'd get served food, it has a bar right in it, comfy spacious seating, internet and t.v.'s in the box to keep up on stats or replays and stuff on demand. that would be BALLIN. why do i get the feeling that life requires a more realistic take on things than what i've been mentioning? i don't know why i think that because i know its totally possible to acheive and attain whatever it is you're passionate about. I'm not certain how to get there. i just took a year off. i have a skill set in business i guess but i don't have a foundation for a career, i'm sort of just floundering. i'm assuming the answer is simply action and amazingly hard work. dad, any of those things i just mentioned would be an awesome common ground for you and i! i know you like golf. you've always appreciated it, you just need some practice or lessons. i know you appreciate your health, you're generally quite active. i know you love sports...maybe i could teach you how to indulge a bit more somewhere down the road. hehe.
J.R.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
don't slow down
we were supposed to have a group come in this weekend. it was going to be our last scheduled group of the year but a huge storm rolled in and they had to cancel. we had like 3 weeks of spring around here so most people were gettin pretty excited but then all of a sudden we get this blizzard rolling through threatening up to 2 feet of snow. i'll take advantage of the extra time and snow this weekend and get to the mountain.
just found out yesterday that two guys (chris ryan and spencer rogers, one of my roomates) are probably getting sent home. its pretty crazy since its so close to the end of the year, and the last time the obstruction was committed was over a month ago. Dan just found out from someone recently i guess. its because they smoked weed here. there are even others who have done the same, but i guess these two have just done it the most and got caught. its pretty rugged. spencer is shook up. we're gunna have a room meeting today to talk it out.
in other offical news my ipod is toast. its been showing signs of dying for a while now. i mean, it is 2 years old so i'm not upset. i think they're only supposed to live for a good year or so? at least the old models. the problem isn't so much me being short an ipod. the problem is that i need all my music off of it! i've drawn audio from several different computers, so it would be difficult to restore my library. not to mention i don't have any money for an ipod right now.
i've already told you about my strange obsession with not having any kids. i just watch them and think, "man, my life would be OVER the second that i have to take care of a couple punesters" (derived from the word puny(sp?) to describe something or someone small. yea i made it up and use it toward children now). Matt MacDonald (the 6' 7" basketball player) immediately fell in love with the term and uses it regularilly. i was going to make a point about this. i decided that the motive behind having kids is so that people sort of live on through there kids. maybe this is deranged and of course its just an opinion on one of the main influencers for having kids. we are finite beings and i'm sure that only becomes more and more urgent as you get older. it just makes sense that a part of you carries on and receives what used to be yours and learns from you and is sort of an image you when you've got a kid. when i think about it, that would be one decent reason to have them. otherwise i might end up bein 30 or 40 or 50 without a kid thinking, this is it. once i'm done in a couple decades there won't be a trace of me left. nothing 'of' me lives on.
i also conjured up an argument for my bachelor-hood. i talk about it enough but this is a new thought. i'm pretty strong on not being committed to someone and of course i understand why to some extent but this was a new bit of reasoning that came to me. I have always up til now (and still do) made regular parallels between God and marriage. we hear about it at marriages, we read about it in the bible. its nearly irrefutable. thats the beauty, we see and understand how we relate and function with God through many earthly relationships. that been said i'm screwed. if faith and love are so similar and i've already crapped out on faith then what does that say about love? i don't even need to make a reasonable assumption about what might happen, I've already proved myself to be lacking in eithe area. So faith got hard, i assessed my options, and chose to serve me. what would i do in a marriage? what would i do when the feeling left and i didn't feel love like i used too. what if nothing was working and i was getting a lot of attention from women still. would i act on my options? i'm not a very good person but at least i know it. i don't trust myself. now, i'm relatively young and seeing how much i've changed one way in such a short time, i know i'm not too far gone to restore some integrity some day, but right now thats a huge reason why i can't get committed - i don't trust myself for a second.
i think i decided to fly home at the end of April since i have to be out of the country, but then drive a car back down a few days later so that i don't miss the end of the year at school, and then i would just pack up and drive back home. right now thats what it looks like. and summer plans? no news. i remember being so excited in february and march because i thought i had sure-fire options but they've been leaking on me ever so steady. thats fine. i'll make the most of where i am. something will work out.
the last thing i have too say? i've been listening to waaayyy too much techno. my music capacity has dwindled pretty severely i think.
J.R.
just found out yesterday that two guys (chris ryan and spencer rogers, one of my roomates) are probably getting sent home. its pretty crazy since its so close to the end of the year, and the last time the obstruction was committed was over a month ago. Dan just found out from someone recently i guess. its because they smoked weed here. there are even others who have done the same, but i guess these two have just done it the most and got caught. its pretty rugged. spencer is shook up. we're gunna have a room meeting today to talk it out.
in other offical news my ipod is toast. its been showing signs of dying for a while now. i mean, it is 2 years old so i'm not upset. i think they're only supposed to live for a good year or so? at least the old models. the problem isn't so much me being short an ipod. the problem is that i need all my music off of it! i've drawn audio from several different computers, so it would be difficult to restore my library. not to mention i don't have any money for an ipod right now.
i've already told you about my strange obsession with not having any kids. i just watch them and think, "man, my life would be OVER the second that i have to take care of a couple punesters" (derived from the word puny(sp?) to describe something or someone small. yea i made it up and use it toward children now). Matt MacDonald (the 6' 7" basketball player) immediately fell in love with the term and uses it regularilly. i was going to make a point about this. i decided that the motive behind having kids is so that people sort of live on through there kids. maybe this is deranged and of course its just an opinion on one of the main influencers for having kids. we are finite beings and i'm sure that only becomes more and more urgent as you get older. it just makes sense that a part of you carries on and receives what used to be yours and learns from you and is sort of an image you when you've got a kid. when i think about it, that would be one decent reason to have them. otherwise i might end up bein 30 or 40 or 50 without a kid thinking, this is it. once i'm done in a couple decades there won't be a trace of me left. nothing 'of' me lives on.
i also conjured up an argument for my bachelor-hood. i talk about it enough but this is a new thought. i'm pretty strong on not being committed to someone and of course i understand why to some extent but this was a new bit of reasoning that came to me. I have always up til now (and still do) made regular parallels between God and marriage. we hear about it at marriages, we read about it in the bible. its nearly irrefutable. thats the beauty, we see and understand how we relate and function with God through many earthly relationships. that been said i'm screwed. if faith and love are so similar and i've already crapped out on faith then what does that say about love? i don't even need to make a reasonable assumption about what might happen, I've already proved myself to be lacking in eithe area. So faith got hard, i assessed my options, and chose to serve me. what would i do in a marriage? what would i do when the feeling left and i didn't feel love like i used too. what if nothing was working and i was getting a lot of attention from women still. would i act on my options? i'm not a very good person but at least i know it. i don't trust myself. now, i'm relatively young and seeing how much i've changed one way in such a short time, i know i'm not too far gone to restore some integrity some day, but right now thats a huge reason why i can't get committed - i don't trust myself for a second.
i think i decided to fly home at the end of April since i have to be out of the country, but then drive a car back down a few days later so that i don't miss the end of the year at school, and then i would just pack up and drive back home. right now thats what it looks like. and summer plans? no news. i remember being so excited in february and march because i thought i had sure-fire options but they've been leaking on me ever so steady. thats fine. i'll make the most of where i am. something will work out.
the last thing i have too say? i've been listening to waaayyy too much techno. my music capacity has dwindled pretty severely i think.
J.R.
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